Sunday, March 22, 2009
find a Jamaican to read it for you....
Mi deh yah ah tink and realize seh Jamaican people dem reely different yuh nuh? Mi love dem ... still dere are some tings yuh woulda neva see wi a do, hear seh wi ah seh or even attempt fi try.
Now Tek fi instance ...
Yuh eva see Jamaicans a climb mountain wid flag and claim victory when dem reach de top?
Yuh eva see we ah hang out inna di miggle ah di Amazon jungle? Fi wah reason???
you ever see we a jump outta plane wid one parachute or a boast seh we going bungee jumping next Sunday?
Yuh eva see we inna sea, bout we looking fi di Great White Shark? No sah - wi watch it pon TV
Yuh eva hear a J'can in ah Search & Rescue pan mountain. A mi sen dem up mountain? Dem find dem way up , dem fe find dem way back again.Idiat dem! A nature way fe feed de weak and hungry animal up deh!
Yuh eva see a Jamaican acting pon big screen going into a haunted house and asking ... Trevah you in deh?' If him foolish enuf fi go ina di haunted house him an di duppy dem can tan in deh.
Yuh eva hear a Jamaican man seh ... 'no honey .. no need to cook rice and peas wid oxtail and a little chicken pon a Sunday ... mek wi eat a light salad instead.' Try yuh best .. not pon yu life.
Yuh eva si a Jamaican come a work an tell everybody dem bizniz .... how dem neva bade dis mawnin, jus brush teet and wash face.
Yuh eva si a Jamaican wey luv talk over people food ... put dem face inna it an sey dat looks and smell good? No sah! Dat wi cause fight.
Yuh eva see a Jamaican go inna di company fridge and go tek weh next person sangwige and nyam it off
Yuh eva hear Jamaican pickney tell dem madda fi shut up and di Madda go tek seat inna kitchen, tek out cigarette start smoke and seh she nuh know wah fi do wid di pickney? No. One helleba slap crass him face fi sure. An if dem live inna farign dem sen dem to Jamaica fi di summer and den di odder relatives fix dem bizniz and dem go back wid mannaz.
Yuh eva see Jamaican tek meat outta fridge and stick it inna oven widout lickle seasoning?
Yuh eva hear Jamaican inna di werk place ah talk bout how much time him wife mek him sleep pon di couch?
Crazy tings dat, cause even if she shut di door she expect him fi kick it open.
Yuh eva see Jamaican people a cook and dem stir di pot, taste di food and put di same spoon right back inna di pot an nuh wash it off???No sah , dat a nastiness
Yuh eva si a Jamaican have dem dog a lick dem face?Yuh mad?
Yuh eva see yawd people have dem dog sleep inna di same bed wid dem? Or dawg inna di couch and when dawg get up dem go laydown innna di same couch inna di same spat? Not fi wi Jamaican!!!!
Yuh eva see yawd people kiss dem dawg pon di mout?
Yuh eva hear seh yawd people tek 5 days off from work because dem puss dead?
Yuh eva hear a Jamaican madda innna a store a tell dem pickney 'no sweetheart, you can't have that, please put it back on the shelf'. Instead, yuh will hear someting like dis ...'lissen yah pickney, mi nah walk a street an pick up money, put dung di blassted sweetie dem an no badda mi peace tiday, yuh hear mi'?
Yuh eva see Jamaican do any wuk afta dem get pay pon Friday. All di manager dem a play domino round a back, not to mention ludo and draft.
We a Jamaican .. ah suh wi d'weet. Wi nuh normal . wi well different from all odda peoples ! A so di ting set. A so di ting stay
Jamaicans Indeed!!!! A so wi stay fi true?
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases,
it was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
That afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school he was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie...." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does
not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and ! ! ! I wan t to j oin th is damn church
to get rid of some of this damn mo ney. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard
Monday, February 02, 2009
A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help. He says, '
Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?'
His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, 'Mek mi show yuh. Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars.
Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars. Then go ask your brother
if him would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you find out.'
The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means.
He asks his mother, 'Mammy if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?'
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, 'Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would.'
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,'Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with
Beres Hammond?' His sister looks up and says, 'Cho! Him kinda old still but with the amount a clothes I could buy
definitely I would give him a grine!'
Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, 'Eh yow, if someone gave you a million dollars,
would you sleep with Beres Hammond?' His brother thinks about it for a minute and says,
'Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time though'.
Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, 'Poopah I believe that I figure it out.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
in the WONDERFUL U. S. of A.!!!
After watching the final debate jother night, it dawned on me that Obama could actually win this thing. If that happens, there will be a lot of JAMAICAN VOTERS who may not know how to conduct themselves!!
To keep the peace and keep a lot of folks from getting nervous, a Top TEN list of behaviors we should probably avoid - at least for the first few days - have been put together :
10. NO need to kill a goat or set up an OBAMA Pan chicken Stand!!
9. NO renaming of Ackee and Saltfish plate to Obama and Biden!!
8. NO made up losing rhymes! (Rain a fall, breeze a blow, mek McCain baxide stay out-a-door) or peenie peenie pon Palin pokie
7. NO selling of Manish Water or Half Way Tree style k9 soup in cups with Obama's face on the side!!
6. NO acting like you knew Obama was going to win! (Mi nu tell uno say 'im a guh blouse an skert win… Mi nu did tell yuh tu rahtid man ..eeeh jubba mi nu tell yuh
5. NO Palin name calling!! (That Ol' Diby, Skettel eediat Eskimo freeze up skull no brain gal weh cyaan control har cayliss dawta weh out fi gi smaddy jackit fi di pickney weh shi deh raffle)
4. NO use of the word !@#%*!!!!mboclawt (Obama win to !!@~`*# ..ra$$clawt )
3. NO "SET-UP" fry fish an rum two bakkle a cream soda an dead pijin fi run duppy revivalist night for McCain/Palin supporters!
2. NO need to bake an Easter Bun on November the 5th for Obama's winning!!! An fi di younger jinarayshan please no Tek weh yuhself , Nuh Lingah, dutty wine, hood tap ar any form of Skin out celebration, you however may beat yuh chess, do the gully creepa and make "to di world" gestures
1. NO spliff burning/Ganja smoking in crowd at the inaugural ceremony!!
(And NO duchie passing on the left hand side around the water cooler!!)Respect Due!
Monday, August 04, 2008
The morgue needed someone to identify the Body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ’Yup, his face is burned up pretty badly. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,
’There’s Bubba with them two assholes.'
Saturday, June 28, 2008
US resident to do time for drugs
Mario X , an events planner of Sometown, USA had the misfortune of being sent to prison for six months after pleading guilty to ganja possession charges in the Montego Bay Resident Magistrate's Court on Tuesday.Attorney-at-law George Thomas who mitigated on Fortune's behalf, said his client was not trying to profit financially from the contraband but was taking it home for personal use. He also told the court that his client believes that Jamaican weed is of a much better quality than weed grown in other parts of the world.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes. And there are unisex jokes.
Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hope that women will love it then pass it on and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."