Jamaican Version of the 23 Psalms

The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt’n.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.

Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun’ mi.

Ah Him ah remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teet.

Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.

Ah Him ah ‘top mi from mad a daytime, an’ ah guide mi decision dem so mi can honor Him inna hev’ryting.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an’ tun’ all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy, so mi no haffi go ah prison an’ live ‘mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.

Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an’ ah howl body dat kyaan’ mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!

Him presence, Him peace, an’ Him power ah go si mi through.

Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hard working self, though mi have three set a degree an’ diploma.

Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi an’ me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an’ bun di whole place ah grung.

Fi Him faithfulness an’ love betta dan any bonus check, but yu si mi, a check woulda help out some time.

Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha ‘appen out yah tiday: Suhmaddy bettah run to hell!

When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time.

So Tank Yuh Lord

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy’s homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac’s, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullshit, that watch israel”…..

9. Undermine - There’s a fine lookin’ ho who live in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle, iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, “You plan on stain for dinner?”

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she say “fortify.”

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Jamaican Breakup Letter

A Jamaican Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “break up”
letter from his Jamaican girlfriend back in Kingston. It read as
follows:

Dear Leroy,

I caant continue dis relationship dred. De distance between us just too
much man. I hav tu admit dat i cheat on yu twice since yu gon, and it
jus not fair tu eeder ah us. i dead sorry. Yu think yu cuud return de
picture of me dat i did send yu wen yu fus go ah iraq?????

Love,
Mildred

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of
Mildred, Leroy included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he
had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…
along with this note:

Dear Mildred,

I man real sorry, but i cant even remember who u is baby. But please pic
out yu picha from dis ya pile and den sen de rest back tu mi…. jus in
case dese other gals ask fi dem pichas back tu seen.

Tanks sweet girl!

One Wish
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls
when she stumbled upon a old empty bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared.
She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant
her ONE wish.
She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes
if she ever found a Genie.
The Genie said,"Nope, sorry three-wish genies nuh real,
me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie.So... what yuh want?"
The woman didn't hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map,
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. "
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE!
Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years.
Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years.
mi good but mi nuh dat good!
Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another wish!!
Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been
able to find the right Jamaican man... You know, one that is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking
& house-cleaning, is great in bed FAITHFUL.
That's what I wish for... a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Mek mi see di map again!!!!"

Subject: How we differ from everyone!!

USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl....
JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet?

USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid!

USA: This meal is not too bad
JAM: Di food cyan eat

USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis?

USA: Hors d'oeurves?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?

USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuh rass!

USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu.
JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie!

USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!
JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up mamma stoosh crackry!

USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
JAM: Yuh did expek flood or yuh tek yuh mezament inna wata?

USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.

USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye, buff-teet bwoy, tap fling up, fling-up mi bag dem suh man.

USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.

USA: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!

USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!!
JAM: But wait, no robot naah run todeh

USA: Get me a pop please?
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh..

USA: It's time for a Perm.
JAM: Gyal, yuh hed waan cream. Yuh noh si how it tough?

USA: Yuck! This is nasty!
JAM: Kiss mi neckback!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid!!

USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyan shut.

USA: Girl, your acne is terrible

JAM: Massagad, pickeny, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh..

USA: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.

USA: I have a stomach ache.
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.

USA: These mangoes look a bit over-ripe.
JAM: Missis, move fran in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh.

USA: He has very large, full eyes.
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo

USA: He has no manners.
JAM: Him no have no broughupsi

USA: Perspiration odour
JAM: Him smell green

USA: Poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: Dat deh singtin nuh start cook yet

USA: Oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeeee

USA: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder.
JAM: Di pickeny too dyam hard ears!!

USA: He has a touch of Dyslexia.
JAM: What a bway Dunce sah!!!

USA: I need a bottle of Peptobismol. My stomach hurts.
JAM: Lawd mi coulda do wid a washout yah now... mi belly bine up.

USA: That man over there is missing his dentures.
JAM: Cooh pan dat deh mashmout bredda ova deh soh.

3 West Indians

Three buddies talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them?

The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."

The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"

Raasta Application and Interview

Name: Deportee Dread Ama Baka Yaad from Farin
Age: I man no count birtday
Date of birth: Mi sey Rasta noh deal wid dem tings mon
Address: uppa di hills a Wesmorlan
Tel No.: I man no participate in di Babylon system
Marital Status: single married
No. of children: I an I hav nuff common law wit 21 lickle soljas a run roun' di island Occupation: Sell Jelly coconut pan Spanish town road and gunja outta mi kitchen winda
Company Name: I man nuh keep company, yuh nuh seeit
Present position: Mi like di lizard lap position, but mi open to any adda position.
Avergae monthly income: depends pan di season n' di demands fi di weed, sometimes business slow an ting.
Credit Reference: Mor' Fyah!!! I man no deal wit credit... strictly up front dollas a do it.
Unsecured Overdraft limit: Chat H'english.... A wha di rass dat mean?
Secured Overdraft limit: Mi seh yuh fi chat English.
Personal loan amount: Tony owe mi bout 40gran... a gwine buss im claut when mi buck im up... watch mi an im.
Monthly payment: Ask Tony... cause a monts now mi nuh si not a cent fram im.
No. Of Payments outstanding: Yuh def!! Mi sey Tony nuh gi mi back mi money so all a it outstanding!!!
Mortgage Loan amount: Mi nah pay mortgage fi mi zinc shed.... is I man buil'dat.
Monthly Payment: yuh come back a ask di same foolishness.
No. Of monthly payment outstanding: is wha' do dis ooman? MI SEY TONY NUH PAY MI YET!!!


This interview is over~~~ Application for Loan~~~~DENIED


GOH WEH!!!... unu hypocrite and sadomite unu!!!

>"Show-off brings disgrace"
>
>Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law
>school.
>He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big
>Shot at
>home. He really wanted to impress everyone.
>So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
>The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make
>a
>big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to
>the
>door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while
>talking.
>"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't
>settle
>this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed
>to
>hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the
>other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that
>I'll
>meet with him next week to discuss the details."
>The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
>man
>sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the
>phone
>and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm
>very
>busy. What can I do for you?"
>
>The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I
>came
>to hook up your phone."
>

The parachute

Once upon a time there was a small passenger plane that experienced some difficulty while flying from Montego Bay to Kingston and was about to crash.There were 5 passengers on board but alas, only 4 parachutes!!!

The 1st passenger says, "I'm Francois St. Juste, the best disc jockey in Jamaica and the FAME FM team need me, so I can't afford to die." He takes the 1st pack and jumps from the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Portia Simpson-Miller says, "I am the wife of a corporate executive, current deputy leader on the People's National Party and a potential future Prime Minister, I must live!!" So she takes the 2nd pack and jumps out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Percival Patterson , says "I'm the Prime Minister of Jamaica . I have great responsibility being the leader of a nation and I am the cleverest Pr ime Minister in Jamaica's history, so the Jamaican people won't want me to die." So he grabs the pack next to him and jumps out of the plane!

The 4th passenger, Bishop Hero Blair says to the 5th passenger a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I've had a very good life and since I am a practicing Christian, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute my child." The girl says, "Nah, it's okay Rev , there is a parachute right here for you...Jamaica's best DJ just jumped outta the plane with my school bag."

dem Jamaicans!


Don't ramp with dem Jamaicans! St. Peter came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we didn't have
many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan
and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are
causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by
swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin
through the fence. They are constantly standing by the gate disturbing
Angel Gabriel begging for a "bly" for their baby modder, cousin,
sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie...Whenever it is their turn to
watch
the gates they keep letting in good looking women and fat women. They
have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white
robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold.
Some
are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".
Angels must have two wings to fly! ome of them have put chrome wings and are
dazzling the other
angels when they are flying. he white robes are eternal and must be
washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they
arrived because they didn't come to heaven do "day's work". Some have
refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven
clean because "dem ah no helper". Many who came here because they used salt
are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some refuse to
wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles.
Others are wearing their halos backways. Others are wearing their
halos with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white
halos and are wearing gold ones instead they claim these are "bashy"
Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing
white shorts and "batty riders" claiming that they have pretty skin and want
to show off their "bandylegs" Reggae music is blasted at all hours of
night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other resident s. Their
cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers.
Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who
claims he was only "checking out" Eve. They have planted marijuana in
the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming "man and man
haffi hustle". What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair
to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be
here
as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with
them;
maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone
who
has more experience edaling with them. Let's call the Devil." The
Devil
answered the phone and said,"Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The
Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you
about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on
hold."The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and
said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would
like
to talk to you
about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and
put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes.
Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said,"Lord, I am really
sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn
Jamaicans down here..... Yesterday they had air conditioning put in.
Now they have just put out Hell's Fire, saying "man come to Hell fe 'chill'

Jamaican Directions


I was trying to find a dressmaker, and asked someone on the street
for directions. This is what she told me:
Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty
stand on Bruk-Down carner.
Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady wha mek de high culcha frock
dem.
Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf a likkle fry fish shop further
>down),
>and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop.
> Is fi him girlfren niece who know de adress of the guy wha live near to

>de
>chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike.
> After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid

>de
>four bad mongrel Dawg dem. (Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey).
>Knock pon de winda five time and Miss Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two
>stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem cum back).
> Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike. Him is a
>nice
>bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe.
>But hole on tight cause him young and him drive fas'. Him don't haf him
>licence yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike.
>Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and
>mine
>yu no bruk yu foot, den tun lef', and yu see de shop.
>It easy; yu caan-n-n-n miss it."

Subject: Looking for the right Jamaican



A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of
Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon a old
empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. She talked with him
awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her
ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she
would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.

The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a
story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WISH Genie. So... what'll
it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these
countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all
the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa.

It will bring about world peace and harmony. " The Genie
looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd Lady, A wah
wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred
years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it
can be done. " PLEASE make another wish and please
a beg yu... Be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've
never been able to find the right Jamaican man...
You know, one that DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the
cooking & house--cleaning, is great in bed and gets
along FAITHFUL and loves to worship.That's what I
wish for... a good Jamaican man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that freakin' map again."

One of my men

This kriss ting, takes her rich husband with her to see her psychiatrist.
Said she to the psychiatrist " Dis is one of the men I was telling you about Doctor"

Inna de air, pon the wing

The Air canada flight attendant went to the old lady from Jamaica , sitting by the emergency exit, and said to her.
"Mam since you are sitting by the emergency exit, I will have to explain the emergency procedures to you"
So the lady said "ok" and the attendant began to explain emergency procedures to her.
" In the case of an emergency you have to open the door and go out on the wing"
The ole lady started to bawl and said " Inna de air mam ?"

Big Bwoy and Gee Gee

One morning Big Bwoy did late fi school so 'im ride 'im father donkey, 'Gee Gee', go a school. Him did in such a hurry dat him nevah tie di donkey propaly. Well, guess wha happen? In di midst a spelling class, Gee Gee get loose. Big Bwoy frighten sotill wen him look out a di window an see di donkey a gallop wey.

Meanwhile, di teacher ask de class, 'Children, how do you spell egg?' Big Bwoy nah listen di teacher, him only waan di donkey fi stop, so him shout out, 'EE GEE GEE!'.

I bet your mother taught you a few things and more........

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait till we get home."



2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You going get a ass'n when we get home!"



3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE.

"What di backside yu thinkin'? Answer me when me

talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"



4. My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.

"If yu run cross de road an' cyar lick yu dung, a goin' kill yu wid
lick."



5. My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION.

"If yu no go a school, yu a go tun tief or walk an' pick up bottle."



6. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If yu tun over yu eye lid an fly pitch pan it, it a go stay so fi evva."



7. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD.

"Is not one time monkey goin' wan' wife"



8. My Mother taught me ESP.

"Yu tink a don't know what yu up to nuh?"



9. My Mother taught me HUMOR.

"If yu don' eat food, breeze goin' blow yu 'way."



10. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT.

"Come an' tek yu beatin' like man."



11. My Mother taught me about SEX.

"Yu tink say yu drop from sky?"



12. My Mother taught me about GENETICS.

"Yu jus' like yu faada."



13. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Yu tink mi come from "Back A Wall?"



14. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE.

"When yu get to be as ol' as me, yu wi understan'."



15. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE.

"One day wen yu have pickney, a hope dem treat yu same way."

As seen on a T-shirt

If you see de police

"Warner Brother"

Jamaican Love Poem

You're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.

Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.

I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.

Author: Rasta Shakesephere

CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and both my leg hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

An elderly Jamaican man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Jamaican pastry, 'Gizzada' wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally dozens of 'Gizzadas'.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the 'Gizzada' was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a 'Gizzada' at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a 'dutch-pot' by his wife...... "Move yu back-side!" she said, "Dem ya a fe you funeral."