-----
>Live the life you love and love the life you live!

>A Jamaican man is sitting watching TV and his wife comes up behind him
and
>whacks him with a frying pan.
>
>"Aaahh! Wat dat for?" he shouts
>"Me find one paper inna yuh pocket wid a gyal name pon it, "Miss
>Melba" says his wife.
>
>"Wa yuh mean? Me an' me frien' Leroy go a race track last week and
>Miss Melba is de name a de horse dat run inna de first race," he
protests.
>
>Two days later he is sitting watching TV again and "wack!"- one bitch
lick
>inna 'im head - with the back of the dutch-pot.
>
>"Ooowww," he shouts. "Wa' dat for now?"
>
>"Yu horse deh pan di phone"!
>

Subject: Chop Bush, Sah

Date: Sat, 2 Feb 2002 10:25:43 -0500



> After Sep. 11/01 in the United States, their immigration department
have
>
> >arrested many visitors from all over the world.
> >
> >In October, an old Jamaican couple landed in Miami to visit their son
> >and other family members. Just to backtrack a little, the son asked his
> >dad to bring a "cutlass" otherwise called a machete internationally.
> >The good father went to his local hardware store in Morant Bay to
obtain
> >this "cutlass" for his son.
> >
> >On arrival in Miami, the customs "offisa" asked the family if they had
> >anything to declare. Jamaicans are known to "bring" a little "weed"
and
> >some "whites" when visiting. The good decent gentleman declared that
he
> >had a "cutlass" he was bringing for his son. The "offisa" then
> >proceeded to ask the gentleman to take it out of the suitcase.
> >
> >Well, the "offisa" was totally shocked that someone would be allowed to
> >carry such a thing. He wondered out aloud "How could this pass the
> >x-ray machine in Jamaica." The father answered 'Terd world machine
> >"offisa" '. The customs officer then asked the old man what would he
> >be doing with this. He explained that it was for his son. The
> >"offisa" then asked, what would your son be doing with this. The
father
> >replied "Chop Bush Sa".
> >
> >You can just imagine why he's still in jail charged for being a
> >terrorist and wanting to kill the President of the United States.

>What do you think ?
>
>It's just a joke. Don't get hot under the collar! (smile)......
>
>In Jamaica - No Ras-Cloth Way !!!
>
>
>After the tragedy in New York and Washington the question arises:
>WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF Jamaica IS ATTACKED?
>
>Well ... if that happens, there can be no comparison. That's because
in
>Jamaica we are much better prepared for these kind of attacks.
>
>1. We do not construct exaggerated elevated buildings.
>
>2. We all get on the job late in the morning, so at 8:45 there won't
be
>sufficient people to kill.
>
>3. Fire fighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get
to the
>spot in time. They will reach there just when everything is over, so
there
>will be no casualties among them.
>
>4. Air Jamaica would surely have fouled up the terrorists plans by
>being delayed again.
>
>5. Jamaicans would've never let a terrorist hijack a plane. They
woulde
>break his rascloth hand, and send him back to where he came from.
>
>6. A Jamaican would not have used his cell phone to call home. He
would've
>hit the terrorist with it over the head with tha piece of plantain to
back
>it up.
>
>7. If a terrorist was living for one year in Jamaica he would've been
>robbed and molested so many times he would've given up and gone back
home a
>long time ago.
>
>8. In Jamaica the terrorists would not have gotten the flight manual,
they
>would've had to pay for it.
>
>9. Osama would be so confused with who is really in power.
>
>10. Ya see... in Jamaica we are well prepared for them wrap-around rag
head
>bomb-bo-cloths.
> >

THE JAMAICAN GINNAL>>>

>>>> >>
>>>> >> A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York and asks,
>>>> >>"You have a girl work here from Jamaica name Arlene?"
>>>> >>"Yes," answers the madam. "Go on up to Room 6."
>>>> >>So the fellow went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door.
>>>> >>When the woman answered, he asked "Yu name Arlene, don't it?"
>>>> >>"Yeah man, a me dat," replied the woman.
>>>> >>Well, a have two Hundred dollas.." he proudly announced.
>>>> >>With that, the hooker grabbed the money, opened the door wide
and
>>>> >>hauled him by the shirt into the room.
>>>> >>After a little rest from the vigorous sex, the fellow got up to
>>>> >>leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked. "Yeah Man," Arlene
>>>>said, "Me
>>>> >>will deh yah."
>>>> >>The next night, the fellow comes back gives up the $200 and laid
it
>>>> >>on again. When they were done, he's sitting on the side of the
bed,
>>>> >>cooling down. "Will you be here tomorrow night Honey?"
>>>> >>The hooker replied, "Mi deh yah every night fi you".
>>>> >>Night comes and the fellow was back in action, throwing down the
>>>> >>heavy lumber. When they were done, they are both sitting on the
edge
>>>>of
>>>> >>the bed. "Tell me sumthin'," Arlene said, "what part of Jamaica
yu
>>>>from?"
>>>> >>"Portmore," replied the fellow with a satisfied grin.
>>>> >>"True ? Me have one sister live inna Portmore yuh know!", the
hooker
>>>> >>exclaimed.
>>>> >> "I know dat," the fellow replied, "She gimme six hundred
dollas fi
>>>>gi yu!"
>>>> >>

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

>>
>>Osama bin Laden gets up one morning, stands in front of the mirror
>>and asks "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most feared
>>terrorist of them all?" A voice from the mirror replies "You of
>>course Osama bin Laden". He runs outside and tells his bodyguards
>>and people what transpired, and there was cause for great
>>celebration. This then became a morning ritual with him, to ask
>>the mirror the same question and because the mirror kept endorsing
>>him with this title, there was celebration every morning among his
>>people.
>>
>>Then one morning his bodyguards hear rapid gunfire coming from
>>inside, and fearing the worst that the Americans had infiltrated
>>and killed bin Laden, they rush inside only to find him in one hell
>>of a rage, holding a sub-machine gun and shooting the hell out of
>>the mirror, screaming "Jamaica can't have so many man badda than me!"

Black Box


Three friends - a Chinese, an American, and a Jamaican were going on vacation . They wondered what to wear in case the plane crashed.
Chinese said "I will dress in yellow, because yellow is bright and if plane crashes they will see me".
The American said " I will wear red because its the main colour of our flag and the rescuers will notice me first.
The Jamaican said " I will take off my clothes, cos de first ting dem look for is de black box".

Butch don't have to worry bout insurance when yardy de bout.


IF AIR JAMAICA WAS HIJACKED BY TERRORISTS


Hijacker: Everybody this is a hijack..no body moves or Ill blow up this
plane to pieces

Jamaican: Hey Batty Bway, siddung an mine a buss yuh rahtid head! A wi
yaad wi a go
an yuh a come blurtnaught talk bout hijack!

Hijacker: I am serious ..dont try anything funny Jamaican boy

Jamaican:Mi blood fyah, unu hear di likle maama man a call big man bway ..

Crowd: Bax dung di bway bredren ..Im dam outta arda an feisty! Lick im fi
six my yout!
'Im renk an outah horda!

A fight ensues.. The flight attendants cheer on. The captain hears the
rumble.. he exits
from the cockpit.

Captain: Hay Hey is what going on in here. Why unu beating up di farrin
yout?

Jamaican: Big man, di bway noh come talk bout Hijack when im si seh people
a try reach
Kingston before midnight....so wi haffi discipline it prappa.

Captain: Hijack?!!!

Jamaican: Yes big man, ..im claim seh im a come blow up di plane an rae
rae an a call big
man bway afta mi tell im fi siddung..Mi all hav a Stone love dance fi
ketch 7:30 tinite an
di bway a try hole up progress! A wah dweet?

Captain: **KUFF!!!!** Yow yu lickle pimple face coolie bway yuh tink yuh
can come on ya
an tek ova MY plane. **KUFF** Siddung an quite yuself before a sail yuh
troo di exit door.

Flight Attendants .. if im get up outta dah seat deh fi di res a di flight
mash up wan di
rum bakkle ina im blastid head! Is why some a unu caan behave unuself dowe
eeh ..cho!

Crowd: **Applause**.. (Jeering) Serve yuh right! Yuh too tan bad ..waan
come hijack wi
plane afta wi serve yuh nice hat mout watering food. Dam brite! Wait til
wi lan a Kingston,
de massive wi deal wid yu. Yu gwine sorry yu board dis yah plane. We no
rhamp yu kno !!

Hijacker: Are we there yet

THINGS MY JAMAICAN MOTHER TAUGHT ME

> >> >1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.> >"Just wait till we get home."> >>

>2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.> >"You going get a ass'n when we get home!"> >

> >3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE.> >"What di backside yu thinkin'? Answer me when me> >talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"> >>

>4. My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.> >"If yu run cross de road an' cyar lick yu dung,> >a goin' kill yu wid lick."> >

> >5. My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION.> >"If yu no go a school, yu a go tun tief> >or walk an' pick up bottle."> >

> >6. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.> >"If yu tun over yu eye lid an fly pitch pan it,> >it a go stay so fi evva."> >>

>7. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD.> >"Is not one time monkey goin' wan' wife"> >>

>8. My Mother taught me ESP.> >"Yu tink a don't know what yu up to nuh?"> >>

>9. My Mother taught me HUMOR.> >"If yu don' eat food, breeze goin' blow yu 'way."> >>

>10. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT.> >"Come an' tek yu beatin' like man."> >>

>11. My Mother taught me about SEX.> >"Yu tink say yu drop from sky?"> >>

>12. My Mother taught me about GENETICS.> >"Yu jus' like yu faada."> >>
>13. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS.> >"Yu tink mi come from "Back A Wall?"> >>

>14. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE.> >"When yu get to be as ol' as me, yu wi understan'."> >>

>15. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE.> >"One day wen yu have pickney, a hope dem treat yu same way."

The Jamaican Fireman
>
>
>
> > >
> > >A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his
> > > wife, "You know sup'm, we have a wonderful system down at the fire
> > >station:
> > >
> > > BELL 1 rings and we all put on we jackets,
> > > BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
> > > BELL 3 rings and we' jump up pon the fire truck
> > > ready to go.
> > > "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you strip naked.
> > > When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump ina bed.
> > > And when I say BELL 3, we going to mek love all night."
> > >
> > > The next night he came home from work and yelled
> > > "BELL 1 !" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
> > > When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
> > > When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
> > >
> > > After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
> > > "What the rass is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
> > > "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE MAN," SHE replied, "YOU' NO DEH
> > > NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!

Jamaican Cowboy

This Jamaican cowboy was riding out west when him was captured by an Indian Chief.
Chief say to him "Bwoy you a do dead in 3 days"
Jamaican Cowboy " Chief me suppose to get 3 wishes a so the story fe go"
Chief says ': Ok Lone Jamaican Ranger, 3 days and 3 wishes then you die.
So day one the Jamaican call Silver ( his horse ) and whisper to him.
Silver go way and come back with a beautiful woman pon him back.
So the Jamaican take the woman in his tent and make love to her.
So the chief say..You feel good.. only 2 days lef .
Day 2, the Jamaican call Silver and whisper in his ears and Silver went away and came back with an
even prettier woman
The Jamaican tek the woman in his tent and make love to her.
The Chief said to him... You feel Irie, 1 day left
Day 3, the Jamaican call Silver in his tent, take off him saddle
Look him in the eyes and say " Silver me se fe go bring me a posse"

> >>>Windows XP jamaican style
> >>>Dear Constumas:
> >>>
> >>>It look lik dem mek mistake an ship out couple a
> >>>copies of WINDOWS XP YAADIE VERSION somwhere ina
> >>>Idaho. If you good ole counry folks in Idaho need a
> >>>translatian fi di comman dem here dem is:
> >>>
> >>>When yuh open di Yaadie edition yuh wi si di opening
> >>>screen. Itreads: "WINDAS XP," wit a background
> >>>picture
> >>>of Halfway tree Square.
> >>>
> >>>When yuh start di program yuh wi hear di Bad bwoy
> >>>antem: Murdara Blood deh pan yuh shoulda By Buju
> >>>Banton
> >>>Please also note:
> >>>Recycle Bin is labeled "General penitentiary."
> >>>My Computer is called "A Fimi Own."
> >>>The Inbox is referred to as "Barrel come."
> >>>Deleted Items are referred to as "Gaan, Rub out, Yuh
> >>>Salt."
> >>>Dial up Networking is called "Ring mi Cellie."
> >>>Control Panel is known as the "Babylon."
> >>>Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as
> >>>"Smuggling not allowed unless part of the Govament
> >>>Hard Drive is referred to as "Stiff Ood."
> >>>Instead of an error message, a "Ediat! Yuh know weh
> >>>yuh a do? pops up.
> >>>
> >>> CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA YAADIEEDITION:
> >>> OK................Cool Noh
> >>> Cancel...........No badda yah man
> >>> Reset.............Rewine
> >>> Yes...............Irie
> >>> No................No sah
> >>> Find.............. Look fi it
> >>> Browse............Faas
> >>> Back..............Tun roun
> >>> Help.............. (this is not a
> >>>
> >>> feature ..Jamaicans know it all an doan
> >>> need noh help)
> >>> Stop..............Dun now
> >>> Start.............Gwan troo
> >>> Settings..........Di set up
> >>>
> >>>Also note dat keyboard noh of di YAADIE EDITION no
> >>>have di letter "H." Wi doan use dat in wi vocabulary
> >>>..So dis is how yuh mus type certain H words :
> >>>
> >>> Help.. elp
> >>> Horrible..Arrible
> >>> Heart Art
> >>> Heavy .. Eby
> >>> Honda.. Unda
> >>> Handkerchif .. Kerchief
> >>> Holiday Alliday
> >>>
> >>>Please feel free to return any found YAADIE EDITION
> >>>to
> >>>the INS for instant deportation back to JA.
> >>

Who wants to be a millionaire

After watching the hit show "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" a man reaches to his wife, in bed for a intimate moment.
"Not tonight, I have a headache", she said He responds "are you sure?" "yes !" she replies
He asks "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes ! Yes ! Yes!" she says " that is my final answer ! "
After that , he clamly says " Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend

Subject: Things You Will Never Hear A Jamaican Man Say

1. "No, wifey, tek my cyar instead."
2. "Waiter, this steak is overcooked."
3. "She 'ave a nice body ... but 'ar batty too big."
4. "Whaapen Mr. Deejay, yuh cyaah play some more calypso?"
5. "De pill doan gree wid me wife, so ah gweh get a vasectomy."
6. "No, Chooksie, ah cyaah tek anodda whites(rum), mi haffe drive all de way to Kingston, an' it wet and dark outside."
7. "Some ah mi closest bredren-dem gay, yu no se'et."
8. "Size doan matter."
9. "Yeah man, me nyam unda two foot table.
10. "Nuff respect to Brian Lara."

20 LB BABY

A Jamaican buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of the typical Jamaican baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "! Why? What happened? I thought you said he weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father takes a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "had him circumcised."

YARDIE & TRINI
A Yardie is having breakfast one
morning; coffee, croissants,
bread, butter& jam when a Trini man,
chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Yardie ignores the Trini who,
nevertheless,starts a conversation

Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole
bread?"
Yardie in a bad mood):
"Of course"
Trini (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad we does
only eat
what's inside. The crust, we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform
them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans". The Trini has a smirk
on his face.
The Yardie listens in silence
The Trini persits: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
Yardie: "Of course"
Trini: (Cracking he gum wid he teet and chucklin')"We don't. In
Trinidad we
eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we does put all the peels, seds
and
leftovers in containers, recycle them into jam and sell the jam to
the
Jamaicans"
The Yardie then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad?"
Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says smirking
Yardie: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Trini: "We throw them away, of course"
Yardie: "We don't. In Jamaica we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell deh raas dem ah
Trinidad

The Car Crash

Tragically, three Jamaican friends die in a car crash a doctor,a teacher and a
hotelier, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven.
Before being allowed to enter, they are each asked a
question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket, and friends
and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?" asked St. Peter.
The doctor answered, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor and I took care of all my children"
The teacher said, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in children's lives.
The hotelier replied, "I would like to hear them say,
"RAHTID! HIM A MOVE!!!!'"

Jamaican newlyweds


Typical Jamaican man married typical good-looking Jamaican lady and
after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "Mi cum home when mi want, if mi want
and ah dohn expec noh assle from yu. Mi expect a good dinner pon de table
unless mi tell yu oderwise. Mi gwine shoot bird, fish, drink me whites, play
dominos anytime me want wid me fren dem an mi noh wahn yu gi mi a hard time.
Those are my rules. Seen?"

His new bride said, "Yah man, dat all right wid me. But yu no see it -
me gwine have sex here at seven o'clock every night-wheder you dey ya or not."

x

20,000 JAMAICAN

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have stolen my horn. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drumpan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling". Angels must have two wings to fly! The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they don't do "day's work". Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles. Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other residents. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile. What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, "Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here ... They have just put out the fire!" and Installed Air Conditioning.

Jah will save me

A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian's home was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling sure that his prayer would be answered he waited patiently. After a few minutes some men came in a boat and asked him if he needed help. To this he replied: "Jah will save I and I." So the boat left. A few minutes passed then a plane came to aid the dread followed by a helicopter, and each time the Ras replied: "Jah will save di I."
Alas, the Ras drowned. When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked: "Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi prayer?"
"Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat, plane and helicopter fi yuh."