The parachute

Once upon a time there was a small passenger plane that experienced some difficulty while flying from Montego Bay to Kingston and was about to crash.There were 5 passengers on board but alas, only 4 parachutes!!!

The 1st passenger says, "I'm Francois St. Juste, the best disc jockey in Jamaica and the FAME FM team need me, so I can't afford to die." He takes the 1st pack and jumps from the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Portia Simpson-Miller says, "I am the wife of a corporate executive, current deputy leader on the People's National Party and a potential future Prime Minister, I must live!!" So she takes the 2nd pack and jumps out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Percival Patterson , says "I'm the Prime Minister of Jamaica . I have great responsibility being the leader of a nation and I am the cleverest Pr ime Minister in Jamaica's history, so the Jamaican people won't want me to die." So he grabs the pack next to him and jumps out of the plane!

The 4th passenger, Bishop Hero Blair says to the 5th passenger a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I've had a very good life and since I am a practicing Christian, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute my child." The girl says, "Nah, it's okay Rev , there is a parachute right here for you...Jamaica's best DJ just jumped outta the plane with my school bag."

dem Jamaicans!


Don't ramp with dem Jamaicans! St. Peter came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we didn't have
many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan
and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are
causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by
swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin
through the fence. They are constantly standing by the gate disturbing
Angel Gabriel begging for a "bly" for their baby modder, cousin,
sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie...Whenever it is their turn to
watch
the gates they keep letting in good looking women and fat women. They
have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white
robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold.
Some
are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".
Angels must have two wings to fly! ome of them have put chrome wings and are
dazzling the other
angels when they are flying. he white robes are eternal and must be
washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they
arrived because they didn't come to heaven do "day's work". Some have
refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven
clean because "dem ah no helper". Many who came here because they used salt
are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some refuse to
wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles.
Others are wearing their halos backways. Others are wearing their
halos with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white
halos and are wearing gold ones instead they claim these are "bashy"
Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing
white shorts and "batty riders" claiming that they have pretty skin and want
to show off their "bandylegs" Reggae music is blasted at all hours of
night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other resident s. Their
cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers.
Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who
claims he was only "checking out" Eve. They have planted marijuana in
the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming "man and man
haffi hustle". What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair
to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be
here
as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with
them;
maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone
who
has more experience edaling with them. Let's call the Devil." The
Devil
answered the phone and said,"Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The
Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you
about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on
hold."The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and
said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would
like
to talk to you
about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and
put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes.
Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said,"Lord, I am really
sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn
Jamaicans down here..... Yesterday they had air conditioning put in.
Now they have just put out Hell's Fire, saying "man come to Hell fe 'chill'

Jamaican Directions


I was trying to find a dressmaker, and asked someone on the street
for directions. This is what she told me:
Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty
stand on Bruk-Down carner.
Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady wha mek de high culcha frock
dem.
Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf a likkle fry fish shop further
>down),
>and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop.
> Is fi him girlfren niece who know de adress of the guy wha live near to

>de
>chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike.
> After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid

>de
>four bad mongrel Dawg dem. (Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey).
>Knock pon de winda five time and Miss Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two
>stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem cum back).
> Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike. Him is a
>nice
>bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe.
>But hole on tight cause him young and him drive fas'. Him don't haf him
>licence yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike.
>Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and
>mine
>yu no bruk yu foot, den tun lef', and yu see de shop.
>It easy; yu caan-n-n-n miss it."

Subject: Looking for the right Jamaican



A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of
Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon a old
empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. She talked with him
awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her
ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she
would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.

The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a
story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WISH Genie. So... what'll
it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these
countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all
the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa.

It will bring about world peace and harmony. " The Genie
looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd Lady, A wah
wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred
years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it
can be done. " PLEASE make another wish and please
a beg yu... Be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've
never been able to find the right Jamaican man...
You know, one that DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the
cooking & house--cleaning, is great in bed and gets
along FAITHFUL and loves to worship.That's what I
wish for... a good Jamaican man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that freakin' map again."

One of my men

This kriss ting, takes her rich husband with her to see her psychiatrist.
Said she to the psychiatrist " Dis is one of the men I was telling you about Doctor"

Inna de air, pon the wing

The Air canada flight attendant went to the old lady from Jamaica , sitting by the emergency exit, and said to her.
"Mam since you are sitting by the emergency exit, I will have to explain the emergency procedures to you"
So the lady said "ok" and the attendant began to explain emergency procedures to her.
" In the case of an emergency you have to open the door and go out on the wing"
The ole lady started to bawl and said " Inna de air mam ?"

Big Bwoy and Gee Gee

One morning Big Bwoy did late fi school so 'im ride 'im father donkey, 'Gee Gee', go a school. Him did in such a hurry dat him nevah tie di donkey propaly. Well, guess wha happen? In di midst a spelling class, Gee Gee get loose. Big Bwoy frighten sotill wen him look out a di window an see di donkey a gallop wey.

Meanwhile, di teacher ask de class, 'Children, how do you spell egg?' Big Bwoy nah listen di teacher, him only waan di donkey fi stop, so him shout out, 'EE GEE GEE!'.

I bet your mother taught you a few things and more........

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait till we get home."



2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You going get a ass'n when we get home!"



3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE.

"What di backside yu thinkin'? Answer me when me

talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"



4. My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.

"If yu run cross de road an' cyar lick yu dung, a goin' kill yu wid
lick."



5. My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION.

"If yu no go a school, yu a go tun tief or walk an' pick up bottle."



6. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If yu tun over yu eye lid an fly pitch pan it, it a go stay so fi evva."



7. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD.

"Is not one time monkey goin' wan' wife"



8. My Mother taught me ESP.

"Yu tink a don't know what yu up to nuh?"



9. My Mother taught me HUMOR.

"If yu don' eat food, breeze goin' blow yu 'way."



10. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT.

"Come an' tek yu beatin' like man."



11. My Mother taught me about SEX.

"Yu tink say yu drop from sky?"



12. My Mother taught me about GENETICS.

"Yu jus' like yu faada."



13. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Yu tink mi come from "Back A Wall?"



14. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE.

"When yu get to be as ol' as me, yu wi understan'."



15. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE.

"One day wen yu have pickney, a hope dem treat yu same way."

As seen on a T-shirt

If you see de police

"Warner Brother"

Jamaican Love Poem

You're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.

Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.

I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.

Author: Rasta Shakesephere

CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and both my leg hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

An elderly Jamaican man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Jamaican pastry, 'Gizzada' wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally dozens of 'Gizzadas'.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the 'Gizzada' was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a 'Gizzada' at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a 'dutch-pot' by his wife...... "Move yu back-side!" she said, "Dem ya a fe you funeral."

Write soon, mi son

This old lady is at the Norman Manley airport to see her son off to college in the US.
As she kisses him that one last long kiss, plus a hug for brata, she whispers to him.
" Tek care mi son, and memba fe write and send back the money yu borrow from mi ok"

See our sponsor Naturaljamaica.com

-----
>Live the life you love and love the life you live!

>A Jamaican man is sitting watching TV and his wife comes up behind him
and
>whacks him with a frying pan.
>
>"Aaahh! Wat dat for?" he shouts
>"Me find one paper inna yuh pocket wid a gyal name pon it, "Miss
>Melba" says his wife.
>
>"Wa yuh mean? Me an' me frien' Leroy go a race track last week and
>Miss Melba is de name a de horse dat run inna de first race," he
protests.
>
>Two days later he is sitting watching TV again and "wack!"- one bitch
lick
>inna 'im head - with the back of the dutch-pot.
>
>"Ooowww," he shouts. "Wa' dat for now?"
>
>"Yu horse deh pan di phone"!
>

Subject: Chop Bush, Sah

Date: Sat, 2 Feb 2002 10:25:43 -0500



> After Sep. 11/01 in the United States, their immigration department
have
>
> >arrested many visitors from all over the world.
> >
> >In October, an old Jamaican couple landed in Miami to visit their son
> >and other family members. Just to backtrack a little, the son asked his
> >dad to bring a "cutlass" otherwise called a machete internationally.
> >The good father went to his local hardware store in Morant Bay to
obtain
> >this "cutlass" for his son.
> >
> >On arrival in Miami, the customs "offisa" asked the family if they had
> >anything to declare. Jamaicans are known to "bring" a little "weed"
and
> >some "whites" when visiting. The good decent gentleman declared that
he
> >had a "cutlass" he was bringing for his son. The "offisa" then
> >proceeded to ask the gentleman to take it out of the suitcase.
> >
> >Well, the "offisa" was totally shocked that someone would be allowed to
> >carry such a thing. He wondered out aloud "How could this pass the
> >x-ray machine in Jamaica." The father answered 'Terd world machine
> >"offisa" '. The customs officer then asked the old man what would he
> >be doing with this. He explained that it was for his son. The
> >"offisa" then asked, what would your son be doing with this. The
father
> >replied "Chop Bush Sa".
> >
> >You can just imagine why he's still in jail charged for being a
> >terrorist and wanting to kill the President of the United States.

>What do you think ?
>
>It's just a joke. Don't get hot under the collar! (smile)......
>
>In Jamaica - No Ras-Cloth Way !!!
>
>
>After the tragedy in New York and Washington the question arises:
>WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF Jamaica IS ATTACKED?
>
>Well ... if that happens, there can be no comparison. That's because
in
>Jamaica we are much better prepared for these kind of attacks.
>
>1. We do not construct exaggerated elevated buildings.
>
>2. We all get on the job late in the morning, so at 8:45 there won't
be
>sufficient people to kill.
>
>3. Fire fighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get
to the
>spot in time. They will reach there just when everything is over, so
there
>will be no casualties among them.
>
>4. Air Jamaica would surely have fouled up the terrorists plans by
>being delayed again.
>
>5. Jamaicans would've never let a terrorist hijack a plane. They
woulde
>break his rascloth hand, and send him back to where he came from.
>
>6. A Jamaican would not have used his cell phone to call home. He
would've
>hit the terrorist with it over the head with tha piece of plantain to
back
>it up.
>
>7. If a terrorist was living for one year in Jamaica he would've been
>robbed and molested so many times he would've given up and gone back
home a
>long time ago.
>
>8. In Jamaica the terrorists would not have gotten the flight manual,
they
>would've had to pay for it.
>
>9. Osama would be so confused with who is really in power.
>
>10. Ya see... in Jamaica we are well prepared for them wrap-around rag
head
>bomb-bo-cloths.
> >

THE JAMAICAN GINNAL>>>

>>>> >>
>>>> >> A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York and asks,
>>>> >>"You have a girl work here from Jamaica name Arlene?"
>>>> >>"Yes," answers the madam. "Go on up to Room 6."
>>>> >>So the fellow went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door.
>>>> >>When the woman answered, he asked "Yu name Arlene, don't it?"
>>>> >>"Yeah man, a me dat," replied the woman.
>>>> >>Well, a have two Hundred dollas.." he proudly announced.
>>>> >>With that, the hooker grabbed the money, opened the door wide
and
>>>> >>hauled him by the shirt into the room.
>>>> >>After a little rest from the vigorous sex, the fellow got up to
>>>> >>leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked. "Yeah Man," Arlene
>>>>said, "Me
>>>> >>will deh yah."
>>>> >>The next night, the fellow comes back gives up the $200 and laid
it
>>>> >>on again. When they were done, he's sitting on the side of the
bed,
>>>> >>cooling down. "Will you be here tomorrow night Honey?"
>>>> >>The hooker replied, "Mi deh yah every night fi you".
>>>> >>Night comes and the fellow was back in action, throwing down the
>>>> >>heavy lumber. When they were done, they are both sitting on the
edge
>>>>of
>>>> >>the bed. "Tell me sumthin'," Arlene said, "what part of Jamaica
yu
>>>>from?"
>>>> >>"Portmore," replied the fellow with a satisfied grin.
>>>> >>"True ? Me have one sister live inna Portmore yuh know!", the
hooker
>>>> >>exclaimed.
>>>> >> "I know dat," the fellow replied, "She gimme six hundred
dollas fi
>>>>gi yu!"
>>>> >>

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

>>
>>Osama bin Laden gets up one morning, stands in front of the mirror
>>and asks "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most feared
>>terrorist of them all?" A voice from the mirror replies "You of
>>course Osama bin Laden". He runs outside and tells his bodyguards
>>and people what transpired, and there was cause for great
>>celebration. This then became a morning ritual with him, to ask
>>the mirror the same question and because the mirror kept endorsing
>>him with this title, there was celebration every morning among his
>>people.
>>
>>Then one morning his bodyguards hear rapid gunfire coming from
>>inside, and fearing the worst that the Americans had infiltrated
>>and killed bin Laden, they rush inside only to find him in one hell
>>of a rage, holding a sub-machine gun and shooting the hell out of
>>the mirror, screaming "Jamaica can't have so many man badda than me!"

Black Box


Three friends - a Chinese, an American, and a Jamaican were going on vacation . They wondered what to wear in case the plane crashed.
Chinese said "I will dress in yellow, because yellow is bright and if plane crashes they will see me".
The American said " I will wear red because its the main colour of our flag and the rescuers will notice me first.
The Jamaican said " I will take off my clothes, cos de first ting dem look for is de black box".