Three Jamaican sons
Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to
their elderly mother:
The first son said, "Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama."
The second son said, "Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver"
The third smiled and said, "Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to
love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a
Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15
years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di
verse, an di parrot wi recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh.
Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a
clean di whole house."
"Winston," she wrote to another, "Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi
travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im
too dyam facey!"
"Dearest Delroy," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense fi
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Monday, August 07, 2006
Lost in Africa
A Jamaican man and American man got lost in the jungle of Africa. A Tribe of bushmen got hold of them and gave them two choices, Unga Munga or death. The American chose Unga Munga. After realising that unga munga was a homosexual act the Jamaican shouted death, death, death, give me death. The chief then shouted - Death by Unga Munga
A Jamaican man and American man got lost in the jungle of Africa. A Tribe of bushmen got hold of them and gave them two choices, Unga Munga or death. The American chose Unga Munga. After realising that unga munga was a homosexual act the Jamaican shouted death, death, death, give me death. The chief then shouted - Death by Unga Munga
Aliens In Jamaica
There was this couple sitting on the porch in Westmoreland, Jamaica watching the sun go down. All of a sudden this shooting light went across the sunset.
Wife: “A wha dat?”
Husband: “A mus’ one space ship.”
Wife: “Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!”
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.
Alien Male: “Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed?” The husband’s eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.
Husband: “Come een, come een. Of course you can come an’ res’ yuhself.”
So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.
Male Alien: “Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests.” Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.
Husband: “Well, dats alright with me.”
Wife: “Oh, I don’t know, because I don’t really believe in dat kind of t’ing.”
Husband: “Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know.”
Wife: “Well, OK then.”
The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasn’t 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, “would you like a bit more length?”
Wife: “Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?”
So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, “would you like a bit more width?”
Wife: “Width! Well, OK then.”
So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter. The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.
Wife: “Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?”
Husband: “Stuups ….. No! All night long di damn woman just deh a twis up, twis up mi rass ears dem”.
There was this couple sitting on the porch in Westmoreland, Jamaica watching the sun go down. All of a sudden this shooting light went across the sunset.
Wife: “A wha dat?”
Husband: “A mus’ one space ship.”
Wife: “Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!”
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.
Alien Male: “Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed?” The husband’s eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.
Husband: “Come een, come een. Of course you can come an’ res’ yuhself.”
So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.
Male Alien: “Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests.” Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.
Husband: “Well, dats alright with me.”
Wife: “Oh, I don’t know, because I don’t really believe in dat kind of t’ing.”
Husband: “Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know.”
Wife: “Well, OK then.”
The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasn’t 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, “would you like a bit more length?”
Wife: “Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?”
So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, “would you like a bit more width?”
Wife: “Width! Well, OK then.”
So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter. The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.
Wife: “Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?”
Husband: “Stuups ….. No! All night long di damn woman just deh a twis up, twis up mi rass ears dem”.
Restaurant Pickup
A jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads…
“For me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers.”
After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads…
“jus su yuh know…me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants…suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!”
A jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads…
“For me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers.”
After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads…
“jus su yuh know…me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants…suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!”
Rastaman Divorce Hearing
A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, “Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in the matter?” The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, ‘I and I’ or the machine’s?
A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, “Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in the matter?” The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, ‘I and I’ or the machine’s?
THE JAMAICAN HELL
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that
there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks “What do
they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an
electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a
bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he
moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the
Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they
are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Jamaican hell and finds that
there is a very long line of people waiting to get
in. Amazed he asks “What do they do here?” He is told
“First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Jamaican devil comes in and whips you for
the rest of the day.”
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells
- why are there so many people waiting to get in?” he
asked. “Because there is never any electricity
therefore the electric chair does not work, someone
tief all the nails so there’s none to lay you on, and
the devil used to work for government so he comes in,
signs the attendance register and then goes back
home..
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that
there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks “What do
they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an
electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a
bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he
moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the
Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they
are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Jamaican hell and finds that
there is a very long line of people waiting to get
in. Amazed he asks “What do they do here?” He is told
“First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Jamaican devil comes in and whips you for
the rest of the day.”
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells
- why are there so many people waiting to get in?” he
asked. “Because there is never any electricity
therefore the electric chair does not work, someone
tief all the nails so there’s none to lay you on, and
the devil used to work for government so he comes in,
signs the attendance register and then goes back
home..
New Truck
One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Shabba, where’d you get that truck?!?”
“Wendy gave it to me” Shabba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Shabba, take whatever you want’.
So I took the truck!”
“Shabba, you’re a smart man!”
“Them clothes woulda never fit you!”
One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Shabba, where’d you get that truck?!?”
“Wendy gave it to me” Shabba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Shabba, take whatever you want’.
So I took the truck!”
“Shabba, you’re a smart man!”
“Them clothes woulda never fit you!”
Ginnal Job Application
My Brethren, Ginnal, applied for an engineering position at a Kingston based firm. A Trini Engineer applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the manager went to Ginnal and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the man from Trinidad the
job.”
Ginnal asked, “Suh why yu do dat? Boat a wi get nine questions rite. Dis is Jumaika,and me is Jumaikan, A me shudda get de wuk!”
The manager said, “We have made our decision, not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you both missed.”
Ginnal asked, “An how in the name of Jesus yu decide sey one wrong answer betta dan de adda ?”
The manager replied, “Simple. The Trini boy put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ and you put down, ‘Me nuh know eda.’”
My Brethren, Ginnal, applied for an engineering position at a Kingston based firm. A Trini Engineer applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the manager went to Ginnal and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the man from Trinidad the
job.”
Ginnal asked, “Suh why yu do dat? Boat a wi get nine questions rite. Dis is Jumaika,and me is Jumaikan, A me shudda get de wuk!”
The manager said, “We have made our decision, not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you both missed.”
Ginnal asked, “An how in the name of Jesus yu decide sey one wrong answer betta dan de adda ?”
The manager replied, “Simple. The Trini boy put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ and you put down, ‘Me nuh know eda.’”
The Train Ride
Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference.
At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an American.
“Watch the ride my yute!” answers a Jamaican.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans
don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed American.
“Watch the ride my yute!!” says a Jamaican.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please”.
Jamaican Version of the 23 Psalms
The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt’n.
Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.
Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun’ mi.
Ah Him ah remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teet.
Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.
Ah Him ah ‘top mi from mad a daytime, an’ ah guide mi decision dem so mi can honor Him inna hev’ryting.
Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an’ tun’ all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy, so mi no haffi go ah prison an’ live ‘mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.
Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an’ ah howl body dat kyaan’ mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!
Him presence, Him peace, an’ Him power ah go si mi through.
Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hard working self, though mi have three set a degree an’ diploma.
Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi an’ me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an’ bun di whole place ah grung.
Fi Him faithfulness an’ love betta dan any bonus check, but yu si mi, a check woulda help out some time.
Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha ‘appen out yah tiday: Suhmaddy bettah run to hell!
When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time.
So Tank Yuh Lord
The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt’n.
Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.
Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun’ mi.
Ah Him ah remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teet.
Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.
Ah Him ah ‘top mi from mad a daytime, an’ ah guide mi decision dem so mi can honor Him inna hev’ryting.
Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an’ tun’ all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy, so mi no haffi go ah prison an’ live ‘mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.
Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an’ ah howl body dat kyaan’ mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!
Him presence, Him peace, an’ Him power ah go si mi through.
Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hard working self, though mi have three set a degree an’ diploma.
Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi an’ me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an’ bun di whole place ah grung.
Fi Him faithfulness an’ love betta dan any bonus check, but yu si mi, a check woulda help out some time.
Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha ‘appen out yah tiday: Suhmaddy bettah run to hell!
When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time.
So Tank Yuh Lord
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy’s homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac’s, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullshit, that watch israel”…..
9. Undermine - There’s a fine lookin’ ho who live in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle, iraq, you break.
12. Stain - My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, “You plan on stain for dinner?”
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she say “fortify.”
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac’s, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullshit, that watch israel”…..
9. Undermine - There’s a fine lookin’ ho who live in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle, iraq, you break.
12. Stain - My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, “You plan on stain for dinner?”
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she say “fortify.”
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
Jamaican Breakup Letter
A Jamaican Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “break up”
letter from his Jamaican girlfriend back in Kingston. It read as
follows:
Dear Leroy,
I caant continue dis relationship dred. De distance between us just too
much man. I hav tu admit dat i cheat on yu twice since yu gon, and it
jus not fair tu eeder ah us. i dead sorry. Yu think yu cuud return de
picture of me dat i did send yu wen yu fus go ah iraq?????
Love,
Mildred
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of
Mildred, Leroy included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he
had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…
along with this note:
Dear Mildred,
I man real sorry, but i cant even remember who u is baby. But please pic
out yu picha from dis ya pile and den sen de rest back tu mi…. jus in
case dese other gals ask fi dem pichas back tu seen.
Tanks sweet girl!
A Jamaican Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “break up”
letter from his Jamaican girlfriend back in Kingston. It read as
follows:
Dear Leroy,
I caant continue dis relationship dred. De distance between us just too
much man. I hav tu admit dat i cheat on yu twice since yu gon, and it
jus not fair tu eeder ah us. i dead sorry. Yu think yu cuud return de
picture of me dat i did send yu wen yu fus go ah iraq?????
Love,
Mildred
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of
Mildred, Leroy included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he
had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…
along with this note:
Dear Mildred,
I man real sorry, but i cant even remember who u is baby. But please pic
out yu picha from dis ya pile and den sen de rest back tu mi…. jus in
case dese other gals ask fi dem pichas back tu seen.
Tanks sweet girl!
Sunday, October 16, 2005
One Wish
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls
when she stumbled upon a old empty bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared.
She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant
her ONE wish.
She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes
if she ever found a Genie.
The Genie said,"Nope, sorry three-wish genies nuh real,
me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie.So... what yuh want?"
The woman didn't hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map,
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. "
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE!
Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years.
Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years.
mi good but mi nuh dat good!
Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another wish!!
Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been
able to find the right Jamaican man... You know, one that is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking
& house-cleaning, is great in bed FAITHFUL.
That's what I wish for... a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Mek mi see di map again!!!!"
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls
when she stumbled upon a old empty bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared.
She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant
her ONE wish.
She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes
if she ever found a Genie.
The Genie said,"Nope, sorry three-wish genies nuh real,
me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie.So... what yuh want?"
The woman didn't hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map,
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. "
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE!
Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years.
Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years.
mi good but mi nuh dat good!
Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another wish!!
Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been
able to find the right Jamaican man... You know, one that is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking
& house-cleaning, is great in bed FAITHFUL.
That's what I wish for... a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Mek mi see di map again!!!!"
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Subject: How we differ from everyone!!
USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl....
JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet?
USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid!
USA: This meal is not too bad
JAM: Di food cyan eat
USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis?
USA: Hors d'oeurves?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?
USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuh rass!
JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet?
USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid!
USA: This meal is not too bad
JAM: Di food cyan eat
USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis?
USA: Hors d'oeurves?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?
USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuh rass!
USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu.
JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie!
JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie!
USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!
JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up mamma stoosh crackry!
JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up mamma stoosh crackry!
USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
JAM: Yuh did expek flood or yuh tek yuh mezament inna wata?
JAM: Yuh did expek flood or yuh tek yuh mezament inna wata?
USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.
USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye, buff-teet bwoy, tap fling up, fling-up mi bag dem suh man.
JAM: Aye, buff-teet bwoy, tap fling up, fling-up mi bag dem suh man.
USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.
USA: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!
USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!!
JAM: But wait, no robot naah run todeh
JAM: But wait, no robot naah run todeh
USA: Get me a pop please?
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh..
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh..
USA: It's time for a Perm.
JAM: Gyal, yuh hed waan cream. Yuh noh si how it tough?
JAM: Gyal, yuh hed waan cream. Yuh noh si how it tough?
USA: Yuck! This is nasty!
JAM: Kiss mi neckback!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid!!
JAM: Kiss mi neckback!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid!!
USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyan shut.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyan shut.
USA: Girl, your acne is terrible
JAM: Massagad, pickeny, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh..
USA: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.
USA: I have a stomach ache.
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.
USA: These mangoes look a bit over-ripe.
JAM: Missis, move fran in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh.
JAM: Missis, move fran in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh.
USA: He has very large, full eyes.
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo
USA: He has no manners.
JAM: Him no have no broughupsi
JAM: Him no have no broughupsi
USA: Perspiration odour
JAM: Him smell green
JAM: Him smell green
USA: Poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: Dat deh singtin nuh start cook yet
JAM: Dat deh singtin nuh start cook yet
USA: Oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeeee
JAM: ee-eeeeee
USA: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder.
JAM: Di pickeny too dyam hard ears!!
JAM: Di pickeny too dyam hard ears!!
USA: He has a touch of Dyslexia.
JAM: What a bway Dunce sah!!!
JAM: What a bway Dunce sah!!!
USA: I need a bottle of Peptobismol. My stomach hurts.
JAM: Lawd mi coulda do wid a washout yah now... mi belly bine up.
JAM: Lawd mi coulda do wid a washout yah now... mi belly bine up.
USA: That man over there is missing his dentures.
JAM: Cooh pan dat deh mashmout bredda ova deh soh.
JAM: Cooh pan dat deh mashmout bredda ova deh soh.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
3 West Indians
Three buddies talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them?
The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."
The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"
Three buddies talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them?
The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."
The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Raasta Application and Interview
Name: Deportee Dread Ama Baka Yaad from Farin
Age: I man no count birtday
Date of birth: Mi sey Rasta noh deal wid dem tings mon
Address: uppa di hills a Wesmorlan
Tel No.: I man no participate in di Babylon system
Marital Status: single married
No. of children: I an I hav nuff common law wit 21 lickle soljas a run roun' di island Occupation: Sell Jelly coconut pan Spanish town road and gunja outta mi kitchen winda
Company Name: I man nuh keep company, yuh nuh seeit
Present position: Mi like di lizard lap position, but mi open to any adda position.
Avergae monthly income: depends pan di season n' di demands fi di weed, sometimes business slow an ting.
Credit Reference: Mor' Fyah!!! I man no deal wit credit... strictly up front dollas a do it.
Unsecured Overdraft limit: Chat H'english.... A wha di rass dat mean?
Secured Overdraft limit: Mi seh yuh fi chat English.
Personal loan amount: Tony owe mi bout 40gran... a gwine buss im claut when mi buck im up... watch mi an im.
Monthly payment: Ask Tony... cause a monts now mi nuh si not a cent fram im.
No. Of Payments outstanding: Yuh def!! Mi sey Tony nuh gi mi back mi money so all a it outstanding!!!
Mortgage Loan amount: Mi nah pay mortgage fi mi zinc shed.... is I man buil'dat.
Monthly Payment: yuh come back a ask di same foolishness.
No. Of monthly payment outstanding: is wha' do dis ooman? MI SEY TONY NUH PAY MI YET!!!
This interview is over~~~ Application for Loan~~~~DENIED
GOH WEH!!!... unu hypocrite and sadomite unu!!!
Name: Deportee Dread Ama Baka Yaad from Farin
Age: I man no count birtday
Date of birth: Mi sey Rasta noh deal wid dem tings mon
Address: uppa di hills a Wesmorlan
Tel No.: I man no participate in di Babylon system
Marital Status: single married
No. of children: I an I hav nuff common law wit 21 lickle soljas a run roun' di island Occupation: Sell Jelly coconut pan Spanish town road and gunja outta mi kitchen winda
Company Name: I man nuh keep company, yuh nuh seeit
Present position: Mi like di lizard lap position, but mi open to any adda position.
Avergae monthly income: depends pan di season n' di demands fi di weed, sometimes business slow an ting.
Credit Reference: Mor' Fyah!!! I man no deal wit credit... strictly up front dollas a do it.
Unsecured Overdraft limit: Chat H'english.... A wha di rass dat mean?
Secured Overdraft limit: Mi seh yuh fi chat English.
Personal loan amount: Tony owe mi bout 40gran... a gwine buss im claut when mi buck im up... watch mi an im.
Monthly payment: Ask Tony... cause a monts now mi nuh si not a cent fram im.
No. Of Payments outstanding: Yuh def!! Mi sey Tony nuh gi mi back mi money so all a it outstanding!!!
Mortgage Loan amount: Mi nah pay mortgage fi mi zinc shed.... is I man buil'dat.
Monthly Payment: yuh come back a ask di same foolishness.
No. Of monthly payment outstanding: is wha' do dis ooman? MI SEY TONY NUH PAY MI YET!!!
This interview is over~~~ Application for Loan~~~~DENIED
GOH WEH!!!... unu hypocrite and sadomite unu!!!
Sunday, June 06, 2004
>"Show-off brings disgrace"
>
>Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law
>school.
>He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big
>Shot at
>home. He really wanted to impress everyone.
>So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
>The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make
>a
>big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to
>the
>door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while
>talking.
>"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't
>settle
>this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed
>to
>hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the
>other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that
>I'll
>meet with him next week to discuss the details."
>The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
>man
>sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the
>phone
>and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm
>very
>busy. What can I do for you?"
>
>The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I
>came
>to hook up your phone."
>
>
>Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law
>school.
>He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big
>Shot at
>home. He really wanted to impress everyone.
>So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.
>The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make
>a
>big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to
>the
>door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while
>talking.
>"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't
>settle
>this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed
>to
>hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the
>other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that
>I'll
>meet with him next week to discuss the details."
>The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
>man
>sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the
>phone
>and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm
>very
>busy. What can I do for you?"
>
>The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I
>came
>to hook up your phone."
>
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
The parachute
Once upon a time there was a small passenger plane that experienced some difficulty while flying from Montego Bay to Kingston and was about to crash.There were 5 passengers on board but alas, only 4 parachutes!!!
The 1st passenger says, "I'm Francois St. Juste, the best disc jockey in Jamaica and the FAME FM team need me, so I can't afford to die." He takes the 1st pack and jumps from the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Portia Simpson-Miller says, "I am the wife of a corporate executive, current deputy leader on the People's National Party and a potential future Prime Minister, I must live!!" So she takes the 2nd pack and jumps out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, Percival Patterson , says "I'm the Prime Minister of Jamaica . I have great responsibility being the leader of a nation and I am the cleverest Pr ime Minister in Jamaica's history, so the Jamaican people won't want me to die." So he grabs the pack next to him and jumps out of the plane!
The 4th passenger, Bishop Hero Blair says to the 5th passenger a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I've had a very good life and since I am a practicing Christian, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute my child." The girl says, "Nah, it's okay Rev , there is a parachute right here for you...Jamaica's best DJ just jumped outta the plane with my school bag."
Once upon a time there was a small passenger plane that experienced some difficulty while flying from Montego Bay to Kingston and was about to crash.There were 5 passengers on board but alas, only 4 parachutes!!!
The 1st passenger says, "I'm Francois St. Juste, the best disc jockey in Jamaica and the FAME FM team need me, so I can't afford to die." He takes the 1st pack and jumps from the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Portia Simpson-Miller says, "I am the wife of a corporate executive, current deputy leader on the People's National Party and a potential future Prime Minister, I must live!!" So she takes the 2nd pack and jumps out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, Percival Patterson , says "I'm the Prime Minister of Jamaica . I have great responsibility being the leader of a nation and I am the cleverest Pr ime Minister in Jamaica's history, so the Jamaican people won't want me to die." So he grabs the pack next to him and jumps out of the plane!
The 4th passenger, Bishop Hero Blair says to the 5th passenger a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I've had a very good life and since I am a practicing Christian, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute my child." The girl says, "Nah, it's okay Rev , there is a parachute right here for you...Jamaica's best DJ just jumped outta the plane with my school bag."
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
dem Jamaicans!
Don't ramp with dem Jamaicans! St. Peter came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we didn't have
many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan
and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are
causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by
swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin
through the fence. They are constantly standing by the gate disturbing
Angel Gabriel begging for a "bly" for their baby modder, cousin,
sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie...Whenever it is their turn to
watch
the gates they keep letting in good looking women and fat women. They
have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white
robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold.
Some
are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".
Angels must have two wings to fly! ome of them have put chrome wings and are
dazzling the other
angels when they are flying. he white robes are eternal and must be
washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they
arrived because they didn't come to heaven do "day's work". Some have
refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven
clean because "dem ah no helper". Many who came here because they used salt
are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some refuse to
wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles.
Others are wearing their halos backways. Others are wearing their
halos with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white
halos and are wearing gold ones instead they claim these are "bashy"
Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing
white shorts and "batty riders" claiming that they have pretty skin and want
to show off their "bandylegs" Reggae music is blasted at all hours of
night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other resident s. Their
cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers.
Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who
claims he was only "checking out" Eve. They have planted marijuana in
the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming "man and man
haffi hustle". What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair
to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be
here
as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with
them;
maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone
who
has more experience edaling with them. Let's call the Devil." The
Devil
answered the phone and said,"Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The
Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you
about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on
hold."The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and
said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would
like
to talk to you
about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and
put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes.
Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said,"Lord, I am really
sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn
Jamaicans down here..... Yesterday they had air conditioning put in.
Now they have just put out Hell's Fire, saying "man come to Hell fe 'chill'
Don't ramp with dem Jamaicans! St. Peter came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we didn't have
many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan
and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are
causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by
swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin
through the fence. They are constantly standing by the gate disturbing
Angel Gabriel begging for a "bly" for their baby modder, cousin,
sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie...Whenever it is their turn to
watch
the gates they keep letting in good looking women and fat women. They
have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white
robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold.
Some
are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".
Angels must have two wings to fly! ome of them have put chrome wings and are
dazzling the other
angels when they are flying. he white robes are eternal and must be
washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they
arrived because they didn't come to heaven do "day's work". Some have
refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven
clean because "dem ah no helper". Many who came here because they used salt
are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some refuse to
wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles.
Others are wearing their halos backways. Others are wearing their
halos with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white
halos and are wearing gold ones instead they claim these are "bashy"
Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing
white shorts and "batty riders" claiming that they have pretty skin and want
to show off their "bandylegs" Reggae music is blasted at all hours of
night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other resident s. Their
cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers.
Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who
claims he was only "checking out" Eve. They have planted marijuana in
the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming "man and man
haffi hustle". What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair
to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be
here
as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with
them;
maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone
who
has more experience edaling with them. Let's call the Devil." The
Devil
answered the phone and said,"Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The
Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you
about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on
hold."The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and
said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would
like
to talk to you
about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and
put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes.
Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said,"Lord, I am really
sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn
Jamaicans down here..... Yesterday they had air conditioning put in.
Now they have just put out Hell's Fire, saying "man come to Hell fe 'chill'
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Jamaican Directions
I was trying to find a dressmaker, and asked someone on the street
for directions. This is what she told me:
Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty
stand on Bruk-Down carner.
Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady wha mek de high culcha frock
dem.
Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf a likkle fry fish shop further
>down),
>and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop.
> Is fi him girlfren niece who know de adress of the guy wha live near to
>de
>chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike.
> After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid
>de
>four bad mongrel Dawg dem. (Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey).
>Knock pon de winda five time and Miss Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two
>stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem cum back).
> Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike. Him is a
>nice
>bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe.
>But hole on tight cause him young and him drive fas'. Him don't haf him
>licence yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike.
>Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and
>mine
>yu no bruk yu foot, den tun lef', and yu see de shop.
>It easy; yu caan-n-n-n miss it."
I was trying to find a dressmaker, and asked someone on the street
for directions. This is what she told me:
Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty
stand on Bruk-Down carner.
Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady wha mek de high culcha frock
dem.
Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf a likkle fry fish shop further
>down),
>and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop.
> Is fi him girlfren niece who know de adress of the guy wha live near to
>de
>chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike.
> After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid
>de
>four bad mongrel Dawg dem. (Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey).
>Knock pon de winda five time and Miss Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two
>stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem cum back).
> Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike. Him is a
>nice
>bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe.
>But hole on tight cause him young and him drive fas'. Him don't haf him
>licence yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike.
>Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and
>mine
>yu no bruk yu foot, den tun lef', and yu see de shop.
>It easy; yu caan-n-n-n miss it."