>What do you think ?
>
>It's just a joke. Don't get hot under the collar! (smile)......
>
>In Jamaica - No Ras-Cloth Way !!!
>
>
>After the tragedy in New York and Washington the question arises:
>WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF Jamaica IS ATTACKED?
>
>Well ... if that happens, there can be no comparison. That's because
in
>Jamaica we are much better prepared for these kind of attacks.
>
>1. We do not construct exaggerated elevated buildings.
>
>2. We all get on the job late in the morning, so at 8:45 there won't
be
>sufficient people to kill.
>
>3. Fire fighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get
to the
>spot in time. They will reach there just when everything is over, so
there
>will be no casualties among them.
>
>4. Air Jamaica would surely have fouled up the terrorists plans by
>being delayed again.
>
>5. Jamaicans would've never let a terrorist hijack a plane. They
woulde
>break his rascloth hand, and send him back to where he came from.
>
>6. A Jamaican would not have used his cell phone to call home. He
would've
>hit the terrorist with it over the head with tha piece of plantain to
back
>it up.
>
>7. If a terrorist was living for one year in Jamaica he would've been
>robbed and molested so many times he would've given up and gone back
home a
>long time ago.
>
>8. In Jamaica the terrorists would not have gotten the flight manual,
they
>would've had to pay for it.
>
>9. Osama would be so confused with who is really in power.
>
>10. Ya see... in Jamaica we are well prepared for them wrap-around rag
head
>bomb-bo-cloths.
> >

THE JAMAICAN GINNAL>>>

>>>> >>
>>>> >> A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York and asks,
>>>> >>"You have a girl work here from Jamaica name Arlene?"
>>>> >>"Yes," answers the madam. "Go on up to Room 6."
>>>> >>So the fellow went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door.
>>>> >>When the woman answered, he asked "Yu name Arlene, don't it?"
>>>> >>"Yeah man, a me dat," replied the woman.
>>>> >>Well, a have two Hundred dollas.." he proudly announced.
>>>> >>With that, the hooker grabbed the money, opened the door wide
and
>>>> >>hauled him by the shirt into the room.
>>>> >>After a little rest from the vigorous sex, the fellow got up to
>>>> >>leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked. "Yeah Man," Arlene
>>>>said, "Me
>>>> >>will deh yah."
>>>> >>The next night, the fellow comes back gives up the $200 and laid
it
>>>> >>on again. When they were done, he's sitting on the side of the
bed,
>>>> >>cooling down. "Will you be here tomorrow night Honey?"
>>>> >>The hooker replied, "Mi deh yah every night fi you".
>>>> >>Night comes and the fellow was back in action, throwing down the
>>>> >>heavy lumber. When they were done, they are both sitting on the
edge
>>>>of
>>>> >>the bed. "Tell me sumthin'," Arlene said, "what part of Jamaica
yu
>>>>from?"
>>>> >>"Portmore," replied the fellow with a satisfied grin.
>>>> >>"True ? Me have one sister live inna Portmore yuh know!", the
hooker
>>>> >>exclaimed.
>>>> >> "I know dat," the fellow replied, "She gimme six hundred
dollas fi
>>>>gi yu!"
>>>> >>

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

>>
>>Osama bin Laden gets up one morning, stands in front of the mirror
>>and asks "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most feared
>>terrorist of them all?" A voice from the mirror replies "You of
>>course Osama bin Laden". He runs outside and tells his bodyguards
>>and people what transpired, and there was cause for great
>>celebration. This then became a morning ritual with him, to ask
>>the mirror the same question and because the mirror kept endorsing
>>him with this title, there was celebration every morning among his
>>people.
>>
>>Then one morning his bodyguards hear rapid gunfire coming from
>>inside, and fearing the worst that the Americans had infiltrated
>>and killed bin Laden, they rush inside only to find him in one hell
>>of a rage, holding a sub-machine gun and shooting the hell out of
>>the mirror, screaming "Jamaica can't have so many man badda than me!"

Black Box


Three friends - a Chinese, an American, and a Jamaican were going on vacation . They wondered what to wear in case the plane crashed.
Chinese said "I will dress in yellow, because yellow is bright and if plane crashes they will see me".
The American said " I will wear red because its the main colour of our flag and the rescuers will notice me first.
The Jamaican said " I will take off my clothes, cos de first ting dem look for is de black box".

Butch don't have to worry bout insurance when yardy de bout.


IF AIR JAMAICA WAS HIJACKED BY TERRORISTS


Hijacker: Everybody this is a hijack..no body moves or Ill blow up this
plane to pieces

Jamaican: Hey Batty Bway, siddung an mine a buss yuh rahtid head! A wi
yaad wi a go
an yuh a come blurtnaught talk bout hijack!

Hijacker: I am serious ..dont try anything funny Jamaican boy

Jamaican:Mi blood fyah, unu hear di likle maama man a call big man bway ..

Crowd: Bax dung di bway bredren ..Im dam outta arda an feisty! Lick im fi
six my yout!
'Im renk an outah horda!

A fight ensues.. The flight attendants cheer on. The captain hears the
rumble.. he exits
from the cockpit.

Captain: Hay Hey is what going on in here. Why unu beating up di farrin
yout?

Jamaican: Big man, di bway noh come talk bout Hijack when im si seh people
a try reach
Kingston before midnight....so wi haffi discipline it prappa.

Captain: Hijack?!!!

Jamaican: Yes big man, ..im claim seh im a come blow up di plane an rae
rae an a call big
man bway afta mi tell im fi siddung..Mi all hav a Stone love dance fi
ketch 7:30 tinite an
di bway a try hole up progress! A wah dweet?

Captain: **KUFF!!!!** Yow yu lickle pimple face coolie bway yuh tink yuh
can come on ya
an tek ova MY plane. **KUFF** Siddung an quite yuself before a sail yuh
troo di exit door.

Flight Attendants .. if im get up outta dah seat deh fi di res a di flight
mash up wan di
rum bakkle ina im blastid head! Is why some a unu caan behave unuself dowe
eeh ..cho!

Crowd: **Applause**.. (Jeering) Serve yuh right! Yuh too tan bad ..waan
come hijack wi
plane afta wi serve yuh nice hat mout watering food. Dam brite! Wait til
wi lan a Kingston,
de massive wi deal wid yu. Yu gwine sorry yu board dis yah plane. We no
rhamp yu kno !!

Hijacker: Are we there yet

THINGS MY JAMAICAN MOTHER TAUGHT ME

> >> >1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.> >"Just wait till we get home."> >>

>2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.> >"You going get a ass'n when we get home!"> >

> >3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE.> >"What di backside yu thinkin'? Answer me when me> >talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"> >>

>4. My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.> >"If yu run cross de road an' cyar lick yu dung,> >a goin' kill yu wid lick."> >

> >5. My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION.> >"If yu no go a school, yu a go tun tief> >or walk an' pick up bottle."> >

> >6. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.> >"If yu tun over yu eye lid an fly pitch pan it,> >it a go stay so fi evva."> >>

>7. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD.> >"Is not one time monkey goin' wan' wife"> >>

>8. My Mother taught me ESP.> >"Yu tink a don't know what yu up to nuh?"> >>

>9. My Mother taught me HUMOR.> >"If yu don' eat food, breeze goin' blow yu 'way."> >>

>10. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT.> >"Come an' tek yu beatin' like man."> >>

>11. My Mother taught me about SEX.> >"Yu tink say yu drop from sky?"> >>

>12. My Mother taught me about GENETICS.> >"Yu jus' like yu faada."> >>
>13. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS.> >"Yu tink mi come from "Back A Wall?"> >>

>14. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE.> >"When yu get to be as ol' as me, yu wi understan'."> >>

>15. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE.> >"One day wen yu have pickney, a hope dem treat yu same way."

The Jamaican Fireman
>
>
>
> > >
> > >A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his
> > > wife, "You know sup'm, we have a wonderful system down at the fire
> > >station:
> > >
> > > BELL 1 rings and we all put on we jackets,
> > > BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
> > > BELL 3 rings and we' jump up pon the fire truck
> > > ready to go.
> > > "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you strip naked.
> > > When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump ina bed.
> > > And when I say BELL 3, we going to mek love all night."
> > >
> > > The next night he came home from work and yelled
> > > "BELL 1 !" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
> > > When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
> > > When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
> > >
> > > After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
> > > "What the rass is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
> > > "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE MAN," SHE replied, "YOU' NO DEH
> > > NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!

Jamaican Cowboy

This Jamaican cowboy was riding out west when him was captured by an Indian Chief.
Chief say to him "Bwoy you a do dead in 3 days"
Jamaican Cowboy " Chief me suppose to get 3 wishes a so the story fe go"
Chief says ': Ok Lone Jamaican Ranger, 3 days and 3 wishes then you die.
So day one the Jamaican call Silver ( his horse ) and whisper to him.
Silver go way and come back with a beautiful woman pon him back.
So the Jamaican take the woman in his tent and make love to her.
So the chief say..You feel good.. only 2 days lef .
Day 2, the Jamaican call Silver and whisper in his ears and Silver went away and came back with an
even prettier woman
The Jamaican tek the woman in his tent and make love to her.
The Chief said to him... You feel Irie, 1 day left
Day 3, the Jamaican call Silver in his tent, take off him saddle
Look him in the eyes and say " Silver me se fe go bring me a posse"

> >>>Windows XP jamaican style
> >>>Dear Constumas:
> >>>
> >>>It look lik dem mek mistake an ship out couple a
> >>>copies of WINDOWS XP YAADIE VERSION somwhere ina
> >>>Idaho. If you good ole counry folks in Idaho need a
> >>>translatian fi di comman dem here dem is:
> >>>
> >>>When yuh open di Yaadie edition yuh wi si di opening
> >>>screen. Itreads: "WINDAS XP," wit a background
> >>>picture
> >>>of Halfway tree Square.
> >>>
> >>>When yuh start di program yuh wi hear di Bad bwoy
> >>>antem: Murdara Blood deh pan yuh shoulda By Buju
> >>>Banton
> >>>Please also note:
> >>>Recycle Bin is labeled "General penitentiary."
> >>>My Computer is called "A Fimi Own."
> >>>The Inbox is referred to as "Barrel come."
> >>>Deleted Items are referred to as "Gaan, Rub out, Yuh
> >>>Salt."
> >>>Dial up Networking is called "Ring mi Cellie."
> >>>Control Panel is known as the "Babylon."
> >>>Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as
> >>>"Smuggling not allowed unless part of the Govament
> >>>Hard Drive is referred to as "Stiff Ood."
> >>>Instead of an error message, a "Ediat! Yuh know weh
> >>>yuh a do? pops up.
> >>>
> >>> CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA YAADIEEDITION:
> >>> OK................Cool Noh
> >>> Cancel...........No badda yah man
> >>> Reset.............Rewine
> >>> Yes...............Irie
> >>> No................No sah
> >>> Find.............. Look fi it
> >>> Browse............Faas
> >>> Back..............Tun roun
> >>> Help.............. (this is not a
> >>>
> >>> feature ..Jamaicans know it all an doan
> >>> need noh help)
> >>> Stop..............Dun now
> >>> Start.............Gwan troo
> >>> Settings..........Di set up
> >>>
> >>>Also note dat keyboard noh of di YAADIE EDITION no
> >>>have di letter "H." Wi doan use dat in wi vocabulary
> >>>..So dis is how yuh mus type certain H words :
> >>>
> >>> Help.. elp
> >>> Horrible..Arrible
> >>> Heart Art
> >>> Heavy .. Eby
> >>> Honda.. Unda
> >>> Handkerchif .. Kerchief
> >>> Holiday Alliday
> >>>
> >>>Please feel free to return any found YAADIE EDITION
> >>>to
> >>>the INS for instant deportation back to JA.
> >>

Who wants to be a millionaire

After watching the hit show "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" a man reaches to his wife, in bed for a intimate moment.
"Not tonight, I have a headache", she said He responds "are you sure?" "yes !" she replies
He asks "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes ! Yes ! Yes!" she says " that is my final answer ! "
After that , he clamly says " Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend

Subject: Things You Will Never Hear A Jamaican Man Say

1. "No, wifey, tek my cyar instead."
2. "Waiter, this steak is overcooked."
3. "She 'ave a nice body ... but 'ar batty too big."
4. "Whaapen Mr. Deejay, yuh cyaah play some more calypso?"
5. "De pill doan gree wid me wife, so ah gweh get a vasectomy."
6. "No, Chooksie, ah cyaah tek anodda whites(rum), mi haffe drive all de way to Kingston, an' it wet and dark outside."
7. "Some ah mi closest bredren-dem gay, yu no se'et."
8. "Size doan matter."
9. "Yeah man, me nyam unda two foot table.
10. "Nuff respect to Brian Lara."

20 LB BABY

A Jamaican buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of the typical Jamaican baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "! Why? What happened? I thought you said he weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father takes a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "had him circumcised."

YARDIE & TRINI
A Yardie is having breakfast one
morning; coffee, croissants,
bread, butter& jam when a Trini man,
chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Yardie ignores the Trini who,
nevertheless,starts a conversation

Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole
bread?"
Yardie in a bad mood):
"Of course"
Trini (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad we does
only eat
what's inside. The crust, we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform
them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans". The Trini has a smirk
on his face.
The Yardie listens in silence
The Trini persits: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
Yardie: "Of course"
Trini: (Cracking he gum wid he teet and chucklin')"We don't. In
Trinidad we
eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we does put all the peels, seds
and
leftovers in containers, recycle them into jam and sell the jam to
the
Jamaicans"
The Yardie then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad?"
Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says smirking
Yardie: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Trini: "We throw them away, of course"
Yardie: "We don't. In Jamaica we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell deh raas dem ah
Trinidad

The Car Crash

Tragically, three Jamaican friends die in a car crash a doctor,a teacher and a
hotelier, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven.
Before being allowed to enter, they are each asked a
question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket, and friends
and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?" asked St. Peter.
The doctor answered, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor and I took care of all my children"
The teacher said, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in children's lives.
The hotelier replied, "I would like to hear them say,
"RAHTID! HIM A MOVE!!!!'"

Jamaican newlyweds


Typical Jamaican man married typical good-looking Jamaican lady and
after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "Mi cum home when mi want, if mi want
and ah dohn expec noh assle from yu. Mi expect a good dinner pon de table
unless mi tell yu oderwise. Mi gwine shoot bird, fish, drink me whites, play
dominos anytime me want wid me fren dem an mi noh wahn yu gi mi a hard time.
Those are my rules. Seen?"

His new bride said, "Yah man, dat all right wid me. But yu no see it -
me gwine have sex here at seven o'clock every night-wheder you dey ya or not."

x

20,000 JAMAICAN

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have stolen my horn. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drumpan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling". Angels must have two wings to fly! The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they don't do "day's work". Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles. Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other residents. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile. What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, "Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here ... They have just put out the fire!" and Installed Air Conditioning.

Jah will save me

A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian's home was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling sure that his prayer would be answered he waited patiently. After a few minutes some men came in a boat and asked him if he needed help. To this he replied: "Jah will save I and I." So the boat left. A few minutes passed then a plane came to aid the dread followed by a helicopter, and each time the Ras replied: "Jah will save di I."
Alas, the Ras drowned. When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked: "Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi prayer?"
"Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat, plane and helicopter fi yuh."

Go back to the $20 ears

Tony was sitting in a crowded bar when Bobby, a 'friend' of his who was always broke, approached him and whispered in his left ear: "Tony, beg yuh a $20 nuh?" Tony, pretending to be hard of hearing, said: "Whe yu seh? Ah caan hear yuh?"
Bobby repeated: "Beg yuh a $20 nuh?" Tony pretended to be still unable to hear. Bobby then went around to Tony's right ear and said: "Begyuh a $50 nuh?"
Tony replied: "Boss, ah beg yuh go back to de $20 ears!"

Send man go a sun

A man called a popular Jamaican talk show and said: "Miss G, mi caan understand how people love do di same ting ova and ova."
"Could you explain that my dear sir," Miss G replied.
"Well mam, every day dem a sen man go a moon. Why dem caan sen smaddy go a sun?"
Calmly, Miss G replied: "Well, my dear sir, the sun is so hot here and it is 93 million miles away. Can you imagine how hot it is there? The spacecraft wouldn't even get close. It would burn up many miles away from the sun." Laughing with a know-it-all, the caller replied: "Den a no easy ting dat fi solve Miss G. Jus sen di ship inna de night!!"

Beating the gate

Big John was watching a football (soccer) match at the National Stadium when, during half-time, his brother Little John, shirt torn, dripping sweat and looking generally disheveled, dropped into the seat beside him. Taking out a huge purple rag and wiping his face he said: "Big John mi bredda, mi know seh mi late an' mi stay a way, but a jus' so. Mi jump tree fence, fight off two guard dog, run lef 4 policeman, wrassle wid a security guard, crawl tru one tunnel, ketch ticks, tear mi pants, lose mi watch, miss half di match, and a tiad. But it worth it. Mi beat di gate!! Mi nuh pay come een!!" Looking at him sadly Big John said: "Mi bredda, mi hate fi tell yu dis, but di match free!!"

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

After watching the hit show "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" a man reaches to his wife, in bed for a intimate moment.
"Not tonight, I have a headache", she said He responds "are you sure?" "yes !" she replies
He asks "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes ! Yes ! Yes!" she says " that is my final answer ! "
After that , he clamly says " Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend

"Penis Tattoos" - Rated R

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy. After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack’s "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he’d bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say ‘WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.’"

: Things You Will Never Hear A Jamaican Man Say


1. "No, wifey, tek my cyar instead."
2. "Waiter, this steak is overcooked."
3. "She 'ave a nice body ... but 'ar batty too big."
4. "Whaapen Mr. Deejay, yuh cyaah play some more calypso?"
5. "De pill doan gree wid me wife, so ah gweh get a vasectomy."
6. "No, Chooksie, ah cyaah tek anodda whites(rum), mi haffe drive all de way to Kingston, an' it wet and dark outside."
7. "Some ah mi closest bredren-dem gay, yu no se'et."
8. "Size doan matter."
9. "Yeah man, me nyam unda two foot table.
10. "Nuff respect to Brian Lara."

POOL PARTY

One day dis rich man was having a party at him yard. Him was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house pon di hills, drugs,girls, cars, planes; anything him wanted. Dis man was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and him fren dem, all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to de pool. Den him get up pon di lifegard tower and all him fren dem look up. Him call for silence and says
"OK, the first person fi swim cross mi pool will get all mi money." Nobody nuh move. Him look ova di crowd, draw pon him joint and says "OK, di first person fi swim cross mi pool gets all mi money and mi house." Still nobody nuh move.
"OK den, the first person fi swims across mi pool gets all mi money, mi house and all mi cars and planes." Still, nobody nuh move, not even a eye blink dis time.
"OK den, all mi money, mi house, all mi cars, all mi planes, all the dope yuh can handle, all mi property, all mi stocks and bonds and investments and all di girls yuh can handle; everyting mi own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but him roll ova like Tarzan, him all over di place, fighting and dodging. Finally him get outta di pool on the other side. Di rich man on di tower jumps down and runs over to him. "Hey man, dat was incredible! I neva thought that mi woulda ever see dat done.
Yuh want di money now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di money."
"Yuh want di house now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di house."
"Yuh want di cars and planes now or latah?"
"Ah don't wand the cars or di planes."
"Yuh want di bonds, stocks and stuff now or latah?"
"Ah don't want none ah dat."
"Yuh want di girls now or latah?" "Ah don't want di girls."
Di rich man look pon him and she "Woh what de hell yuh want?!?!"
"Ah want di rashole boombooclat who push me inna di pool."

A Jamaican "country boy" and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially
by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slideback together again.

The boy asked, "Ah whahdat, daddy?" The father (having never seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, minevah see notting so inna mi life! Mi nuh know
what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally
the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 19-year-old woman
stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says
quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh moddah!"

Letta from him woman a foreign

Why ya tek so long fren? Any chobble?
Lawd haw mercy; What a ting!!!
Cum Ya; de teacher a call ya! mi hab sinting fe tell ya-
Mi know likkle Patois. Mek me tell ya -
Mi sent ya e-mail ,
It finnish areddi- look pon dat now - Dat awrite ?
dun; check mi later
mi a go leff now
one love
Me

Ghetto Queen

A pregnant woman from Rema walked into a doctors office
to have an ultrasound. The doctor told her that she is going
to have a little girl. He then asked her what she will name
her daughter. She said, Kesheika. He asked her, Do you
have any other children? She said, Five other daughters,
and their names are also Kesheika. At that point the doctor
asked, How do you call them all home for dinner? She replied,
dat cool mi just bawl out, Kesheika, dinna ready and
they all come home. He then asked, What if your going
somewhere? She said, dat easy too, mi just call Kesheika
come nuh and they all come running. He questioned her again,
What if you only want to speak with one of them?
Well then mi just call dem by dem las name!

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was
from Trinidad, another from Barbados, and the
third from Jamaica. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they
did for a living. When they all replied that they were
contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why
don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence
they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Trinidadian contractor. He took out his tape measure
and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I
figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and
$100 profit for me."

Next was the contractor from Barbados. He also took out his tape measure and
pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks
like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and
$100 profit for me."


Without so much as moving, the Jamaican contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?"


"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the brethren from
Barbados."
posted

Jamaican Old Age Test.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >You know you are getting old if:
> >
> >1. You had an exercise book with Queen Elizabeth
> and her husband on it
> instead
> >of a ring binder
> >
> >2. You used to listen to Rediffusion
> >
> >3. You wore Bata crepe to school and bought asham
> at the school gate
> >
> >4. You remember that the Lou and Ranny show used to
> come on at 7.00 pm on a
> >Sunday
> >
> >5. You know what the initials T.A.D.P stand for
> >
> >6. You know who Tony Verity is
> >
> >7. You can name more than two of the characters in
> a jonkanoo band
> >
> >8. You know what boxing title Bunny Grant held
> >
> >10. You didn't buy gigs, yo yo's, kites or sling
> shots in a store but made
> them
> >yourself
> >
> >11. You know what Fanta and Nu Grape is
> >
> >12. You know what a Woolsley, Humber and Zephyr are
> >
> >13. You got a washout and worm medicine at the end
> of summer holidays
> >
> >14. Your school graduation was called "prize
> giving"
> >
> >15. You still call Norman Manley Airport
> "Palisadoes"
> >
> >16. You still have a BOAC bag hidden somewhere in a
> closet
> >
> >17. You Remember when people used to go to the
> airport and come back with a
> >twang
> >
> >18. When you hear classical music on the radio you
> still say "is who ded
> now ?"
> >
> >19. You still refer to any smooth stretch of road
> as "barber greene"
> >
> >20. You still use words like "bine" and "clyded"
> AND know the difference
> between
> >the two
> >
> >
> > ANSWER KEY : If your answer is yes to -
> >
> >less than 5 - you are a babe in the woods
> >
> >5 to 10 - you are listening to too many of your
> parent's stories
> >
> >10 to 15 - getting up there, watch it !
> >
> >all 20 - you have Limacol and Bay Rum on the night
> stand and a chimmey
> under the
> >bed
posted

Letter from Yard

Can you imagine receiving the following reply letter

from back home:

"How yuh mean if mi want anything? Read di list below...
mek sure yuh read to di end.1 pair a church shoes

1 pair a shoes (lugz or some oder designer style)
2 pair a Nikey (di latest style cause a dem a wear ova
yah) mi a go print mi foot size pon piece a paper and
send to yuh couple
jeans(dont buy dem too tight cause a baggy jeans a
wear now...mi like Fubu or
CalvinKlein) some church shirt, some bashment shirt and ganzie fi wear
go danceand party short jeans (Fubu, Calvin Kein or Levis)
1 Nikey or Calvin Klein Belt1 CD player and some CD
(mi stop listen to cassette)
some folder leaf, some foreign pen and pencil, some
foreign book (di one dem whey yuh can use fi all 5 subjects)
1 school bag (di one whey mi have tear up)
1 football boots (mek sure yuh buy adidas)
1 football (mek sure yuh buy a good one and buy size 5)
some football shorts, socks and jersey (buy Adidas)(DEM SAY IT STAN FOR -ALL DAY I DREAM ABOUT SEX)(definately adidas)
2 cologne (1 fi wear everday and 1 fi when mi a go out)
Some foreign deodorant & some foreign soap (mi di luv dem
one weh yuh did have when yuh di out yah, mi caan
memba dem name) mi caan bada
wid da Carib carbolic Cuz if yuh have any money lef
buy some tings fi di house
nuh....(LIFEBOY) dem say it tek weh de body odor
1 color TV; 1 Dish (everybody pon di street have one
except we) 1 blender, couple bed spread and pilla case, table
cloth fi din kitchen (mi shame fi put on di one old pieca one mi have when people
cum visit me)some foreign saltfish (mi seh it deer out
yah) some tinners (bully beef, mackerel and dem tings deh)
flour, sugar, salt, rice, oil, onion, anything else
whey yuh see and know seh mi want.Tanks
P.S. Mi get 20 dalla U.S. fi sen cum fi help buy di
tings bu mi done seal up di envelop aready. Suh, nex time
when yuh cum, mi wi gi yuh.

All our love,Antie Puncie & Uncle Egbert

The PM and the whores

The Prime Minister was looking for a whore. He found 3
such ladies in a local lounge. An American, a Cuban and a
local girl.
To the American he said:
I am the Prime Minister, how much would it cost me to
spend sometime with you?
Only $200.00 she replied.

Then he asked the Cuban the same question:
Only $100.00 was her reply

When he put the same proposition to the local girl, she replied:


Mr PM if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes,
pull my panty down as low as my wages,
get your cock as hard as the times are
and fuck me the way you are fucking the public.
Believe me, Mr Prime Minister, the pussy is yours for
free.

How could we forget a word as important
as RASS and its many RASS uses.

1. RASS is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement...
tekki back 2 RASS! Gimme back 2 RASS!
2. RASS can be used in biology
eg.....Look pan di gal RASS!
3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles....cover yu RASS!
4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances....
me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly RASS!
move yu RASS from me, 2RASS!
5. It can describe extreme pain....
it hot nuh RASS!
me granny gi me some RASS lick!
6. It can describe size.....
yuh foot dem big nuh RASS!
him have a RASS mouth deh
As you can see RASS is the Jamaican all-purpose word. Use it as
often as yu RASS feel.
Greeting......How de RASS yu do!
Fraud.........Yu too RASS tief!
Dismay........RASS!
Trouble.......Oh RASS!
Aggression....Watch yu RASS self!
Disgust.......Cho RASS!
Confusion.....Wha di RASS a gwaan!
Incompetence..A wha di RASS yu a do....RASS-idiot!
Lost..........Whe di RASS we deh!
Pleasure......it nice nuh RASS!
Retaliation...Yu RASS-claat...And of course..kiss mi RASS!

Me gone to RASS!!
Go do yu RASS work!!

LAST MEAL


Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, "Pepperoni Pizza."
The warden serves him his Pepperoni Pizza, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Frenchman requests Filet Mignon.
The warden serves him his Filet Mignon, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Jamaican requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES?????"
"Yes, strawberries."
The warden replies, "but they're out of season!"
"So?" replies the Jamaican. "I man will wait, star.

GATES OF HEAVEN
A Jamaican man is at the Gates of Heaven and is stopped by Enoch . . .

Enoch: I have 3 questions to ask before I can let you in.

Jamaican: No problem, go ahead.

Enoch: Which day of the week begins with the letter T?

Jamaican: Today and tomorrow

Enoch: Well, that wasn't really the answer I was looking for but. I'll give you the second question. How many seconds are there in a year?

Jamaican: 12

Enoch: How did you arrive at 12?

Jamaican: 2nd of Jan, 2nd of Feb, 2nd of Mar, 2nd of Apr, . . .


By now Enoch is getting exasperated with this foo-fool Jamaican.


Enoch: Alright, this is the final question. What is the name of our Lord and Saviour?

Jamaican: Andy

Enoch: My goodness man, don't you read your Bible?

Jamaican: Yes, but every time mi guh a church dem sing:

Andy walks with me,
Andy talks with me,
Andy tells me I am his own...

JAMAICAN PHRASES

The phrases below are in standard English followed by Jamaican,Trinidadian and Barbadian English.

CANADIAN: Excuse me little girl, can I fit in there?
JAMAICAN: Hey, pickney, small up youself!
TRINI: smallie, gimmeh ah pass dey
BAJAN: Scotch rung!

CANADIAN: That woman is overweight.
JAMAICAN: Lawd, look how she fat and spread out like mash bullfrog.
TRINI: Oh jeesan, dah woman realllll fat
BAJAN: You she big as shite ya.

CANADIAN: You are such an attractive woman.
JAMAICAN: Gal you look like fresh vegetable.
TRINI: darlin, yuh lookin real good
BAJAN: psssstt my friend.

CANADIAN: I really would like for us to be intimate.
JAMAICAN: Gal mi wan be wid you.
TRINI: chek nah, ah wan tuh breed yuh
BAJAN: ya gunna gimme peice or wha?

CANADIAN: There are a lot of men out there, that I can date besides you.
JAMAICAN: Tree no grow inna my face yu know.
TRINI: Real men chek fuh me
BAJAN: When one door shut anudder one does open.

CANADIAN: He is such a womanizer.
JAMAICAN: Him walk bout like dawg, every light post him si him haffi stap.
TRINI: Hees ah real sweetman
BAJAN: Heez de man.

CANADIAN: You really should get him out of your life dear.
JAMAICAN: Dat de man jus a block traffic, tell him fi ease off.
TRINI: Done dat man oui
BAJAN: Ya should leff he raaaaassshole!!!

CANADIAN: He is such a kind, sensitive man.
JAMAICAN: Him a saawfas man.
TRINI: Heez a sorfman
BAJAN: Heez a buller!!!

CANADIAN: You have a crumb on your face, dear.
JAMAICAN: You look like when fowl come from mango walk.
TRINI:Yuh have ting on yuh face
BAJAN: Uh uuuh!!! Was dat on ya face???

CANADIAN: Oh, I see you are entering puberty.
JAMAICAN: How you face bumpy-bumpy like grater so?
TRINI: Yuh face real juk up
BAJAN: Ya face look like a ripe sour-sop.

CANADIAN: Honestly, I don't know the answer.
JAMAICAN: Ah wah you a bodda me guthole fa?
TRINI: I eh know
BAJAN: WHA???

CANADIAN: Hors d'heurves
JAMAICAN: Ah wah dis yah likkle sinting you a gi me?
TRINI: Wey de food?
BAJAN: Horse Derves.

CANADIAN: Casserole
JAMAICAN: Putto-putto
TRINI: Pelau
BAJAN: Cou-Cou

CANADIAN: Aeroplane
JAMAICAN: Silver bird
TRINI: Tri Star
BAJAN: Bwee

CANADIAN: Bank teller
JAMAICAN: Bank clark
TRINI:Big wok
BAJAN: Tellar

CANADIAN: Taxi
JAMAICAN: Robot
TRINI:maxi
BAJAN: ZR

CANADIAN: Speed bumps
JAMAICAN: Sleeping Policeman
TRINI: Road humps
BAJAN: Road bumps

CANADIAN: He looks upset
JAMAICAN: Him have screwface
TRINI: Dat man real vex
BAJAN: He real screwpouch ya.

College

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a Jamaican male student in the crowd inquired: "Iya - how much fe a season pass?" ( How much for a season pass?)

The Jamaican Titanic

Had the Titanic left Jamaican waters!


The Titanic was about to set sail from Old harbor with hundreds
aboard. Fitzroy Brown said his goodbye to his wifie ' Awright baby
Love ..tek care til mi come back yuh hear, yuh done know sey when mi reach
a Englan' an get mi paypas straight mi wi sen fi yuh soh wi can live nice
zeen'

Wifie: OK mi love, tek care and mine yuh drown a sea, if mi hear
sey yuh drown a gwine kill yuh, and Fitzroy memba fi sen dung some
trang English pound fi mi an di pickney dem.

Later that evening on board, the lower deck was pack filled with
a massive crowd packed in like sardines. Some were nodding to the heavy
base rydym as DJ Daag Heart spin di wickedest tunes on the "Sea Love"
sound system.

The "deckhall" crew was partying like it was 1949. The ship was
owned an operated by the Pot-head Na*ve People (PNP) .

The ship's Captain was preoccupied with kissing up to the big
spenders on the ship. 'Hi Madam Portia Simpson, yuh looking lovely wid
all dem gold a glisten roun yuh neck dowe an a soh yuh fat an rosey'. '
Hey PJ, let's keep our fingers cross, no riots and deck blocks on the ship so
far ah?
(wink, wink)

PJ: Dat is because a don't announce di fare increase yet.. but I
will have Omar deal wid dat lata.
At the controls on the upper deck were SAMMY and RUPERT. Both had
been drinking Guinness stout to keep awake as evident by the empty
bottles rolling back and forth on the floor.

SAMMY: Di Blouze Naught place cold eeh Rasta ..kiss mi neck!

RUPERT: Yuh tink a joke ... if mi teet dem noh tap rakkle ..mi
boun' fi loose all 13 a dem!
SAMMY: A wonda how far wi deh now.. wi noh suppose to soon reach
Englan'..? How much a'clack yuh have boss?
RUPERT: Half pass ten, and wi tell di port autorities dem sey di
ship suppose to dock roun 9:30..but wi noh too late ..9:30 is about 11:30
Jamaican time.. soh wi pon track sed way.
SAMMY: A wha dat ova deyso ina di wata Rupert? (pointing)
RUPERT: Dah big sinting dey? ..It look like a one oversize snow
cone. A wonda a wah?
SAMMY: Mi noh too sure but a one rahtid ugly looking sinting..yow
mi a go ding di Captain. (He radios) Captain Barkley ..one snow cone ina
di way sar. What is we to do?..'hova han hout '

CAPTAIN: Bwaay a weh yuh a tell mi sey? Snow cone? Ina sea?
SAMMY: Come look pan it den noh sar.. afta mi noh know a what it
is sar. The Captain appeared on deck and upon seeing the culprit he
yelled:

Kiss mi false teet! ICEBERG ICEBERG!!! BLOW DI HARN, BLOW DI HARN!!

RUPERT: But if a iceberg sar, what blowing di harn gwine do.. it
nat gwine move outa di way!

CAPTAIN: Bwaay don't back ansa mi, mi seh BLOW DI HARN! ..So he
did as he was told.
SAMMY: Captain Barkley mi have a betta idea sah.. Why wi noh jus
lock up di steering wheel and cock di ship pan di side.

CAPTAIN: Awright do yu bes and mek sure yuh noh lick up mi ship
pan dah sinting deh cause it noh insure an memba seh unu a navigate unda
suspended license so do - tek unu time.

Sammy and Rupert worked hard locking the steering to the right.
The ship was by now sailing on the side and the passengers all fell on
top of each other.

Some panicked: 'Oye Driva Tek time roun di carna noh man. Try
yuh bes jus let mi aff mek mi ketch aneda ship before yuh kill mi inya'

Meanwhile, on the deck the three men watched in horror as the
ship came dangerously close to the iceberg. The Captain trembled: 'Eternal
fada bless our land.. RUPERT and SAMMY unu sey a likkle praya caus wi
bout fi si pinnie walli up inya.
SAMMY: Jus res yuh foot Capn', wi dun safe ..wi a go mek it man
.. a years mi a drive ship!
And so as Sammy predicted, the ship cleared the iceberg.

RUPERT: Respec! ..What a wicked one wheelie dat was.. kiss mi
cockafart! Di Captn piss im pants!

They all laughed and hugged and dapped fist as a sign of relief.

The CAPTAIN spoke in the intercom: Ladies an genklemen, dis is your
Captain speaking: we about to land ..a mean about to dock in about
anodda half hour. Sit tightly and tank unu for sailing the Titatnic..your
continued patronage is always welcome.

**********************************************************
The moral of the story: Had it been Jamaicans on the Titanic, it
would not have crashed and sunk. It would have reached its destination
LATE but it would have gotten there in one piece.

Canadian Indian Aphabet
abcdKFC,iou, no more pst

20,000 JAMAICANS

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have stolen my horn. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drumpan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".

Angels must have two wings to fly! The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they don't do "day's work".

Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles.

Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other residents. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile. What should I do?!"

The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities.

Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?"

The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it."

The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes.

Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, "Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here ... They have just put out the fire!" and Installed Air Conditioning.

ON TIME
A mother and her son were flying Air Jamaica from Kingston to Miami.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If
big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Honey, did your mom tell you to ask me
that?"
He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother
it's because Air Jamaica always pulls out on time."

Jamaican Technology ???


After having dug 100m, British scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one millennium ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the French dug 200m (100m) deeper than their neighbors) and headlines in the French newspapers read: "French scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone networks 1000 years earlier than the Brits."

One week later, the Jamaican Press reported the following: "After having dug as deep as 500m, Jamaican scientists found absolutely nothing and our Minister of Technology has concluded that 5000 years ago, OUR ancestors were already using cellular."

Joke from Yard ( in English..Jamaican Joke)

Notes From An inexperienced Jerk Chicken Taster named FRANK, from Boston, who was visiting Jamaica. Portland, specifically an area called Boston is the home of jerk seasoning in Jamaica.

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Jamaica, to be a judge at a Jerk Chicken cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Jamaicans) that the Jerk Chicken wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Entry # 1: Mosiah's Hell Raiser Jerk Chicken

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on pimento. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff?

You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Entry # 2:Shatta's Mo Fyah Jerk Chicken

JUDGE ONE: Smoky flavor. Slight Scotch Bonnet tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this @#$% out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Entry # 3: Willie's Backstrech Burn Jerk Chicken

JUDGE ONE: Great kick. Needs more spices.

JUDGE TWO: A bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a %$#@ joke. Call the @#$% EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got the $@%# out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Entry # 4: Wasp's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Good side dish for other mild foods.

FRANK: %$#@!!! I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was unable to taste it. Miss Icey, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Entry # 5: My Yout's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Scotch Bonnet peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Must admit the Scotch Bonnet peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the %$#@ paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her Jerk Chicken had given me brain
damage. Miss Icey saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Entry # 6: Shelly T's Very Spicy Variety

JUDGE ONE: Good balance of spices and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and spices. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Entry # 7: Wally's Screaming Sensation Jerk Chicken

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre Jerk Chicken with too much
reliance on bottled seasoning.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw on
bottled seasoning at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: I think these @$% people are trying to kill me!!! You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My clothes are covered with Jerk, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they'll know what the &$#@ killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Entry # 8: Portia's Delight

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend Jerk Chicken, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced Jerk Chicken, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the Jerk Chicken platter on top of himself.

FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Jamaicans just love to talk......

Three death row inmates-an American, a Japanese and a Jamaican-were about to be sent to the electric chair. The American got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so he was set free (apparently if the state tries to execute someone and "has
technical difficulties" during the process and it doesn't happen, the person is set free). The Japanese got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so
he was set free. The Jamaican got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said "Yah man, you don't see the ting no plug in!"

A Jamaican (Jamaican again!) lady pregnant
with twins was in a car accident and went into a coma. During the
coma she gave birth to twins, a
boy and a girl. Sometime later when she woke
from the coma she was told
that she had given birth and that her brother had
been nice enough to name them.
The mother was extremely upset to hear this.
She told the nurse that they never should have let her brother name
the children because he was an
idiot from the country. The nurse assured her
that he had done rather well; he
named the little girl "Denise". The mother
seemed okay with that so she
asked the nurse what he had named her son.
The nurse replied, "Denephew".

A Jamaican man is sitting watching tv and his
wife comes up behind him and claps him with a frying pan.
"Ay! Wa' di rass dat for?" he shouts.
"Mi find one paper inna unu pocket wid a gyal name pon it,
"Miss Maisy." she says.
"Wa ya mean? Me an' me frien' Leroy went a race track last week and
Miss Maisy is de name a de 'orse weh run ina
de first race." he protests.

Two days later he is sitting watching tv again
and "wack" one rass lick ina him head-back with a dutch-pot.
"Oooowww" he shouts, "wa' dat for now?"
"Yu horse deh pan di phone "!

Donovan was on his death bed. His wife Leila
was maintaining bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips > began to move slightly.

"Mih dahlin Leila," he whispered.
"Hush mih love," she said. "Rest.
Shhh...doh talk."
He was insistent.
"Leila" he said, in his tired voice. Me have
someting me hafa confess to yuh."
"Yuh have nuttin to confess." replied the
weeping Leila.
Everyting alright, go to sleep mih love."
"No, no, me hafa die in peace love. Me sleep
wit yuh sister, yuh best friend and yuh mudda."
"Me know," answered Leila, "dats why me poison
yuh rass."

A man from the deep country went to the Jamaican
> >Airport hysterically carrying his luggage, passport,
> >and other necessary items for travel.
> >
> >He anxiously asked the agent at the ticket counter,
> >(with thick Jamaican accent)"Do. Sell me a ticket to
> >Jeopardy, ma'am."
> >
> >The agent looked confused."Jeopardy, sir? Where is
> >that?"
> >
> >The man got even more anxious & agitated. "Mi nuh ha'
> >time fi fool. Jus' sell mi a ticket to Jeopardy."
> >
> >The agent looked through her map and other materials.
> >"Sir, there is no such place! Are you sure that's
> >where you need to travel?"
> >
> >The man lost his temper and slammed his fist on the
> >counter."Look, 'ooman. Mi seh mi nuh have time fi
> >fool. Mi hear pon mi radio dis mawning seh 900 jobs
> >inna Jeopardy so ah de suh mi need fi go NOW!"
>

Jamaican Technology ???


After having dug 100m, British scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one millennium ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the French dug 200m (100m) deeper than their neighbors) and headlines in the French newspapers read: "French scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone networks 1000 years earlier than the Brits."

One week later, the Jamaican Press reported the following: "After having dug as deep as 500m, Jamaican scientists found absolutely nothing and our Minister of Technology has concluded that 5000 years ago, OUR ancestors were already using cellular."

Jamaicans just love to talk......

Three death row inmates-an American, a Japanese and a Jamaican-were about to be sent to the electric chair. The American got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so he was set free (apparently if the state tries to execute someone and "has
technical difficulties" during the process and it doesn't happen, the person is set free). The Japanese got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so
he was set free. The Jamaican got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said "Yah man, you don't see the ting no plug in!"

>Jamaican Old Age Test.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >You know you are getting old if:
> >
> >1. You had an exercise book with Queen Elizabeth
> and her husband on it
> instead
> >of a ring binder
> >
> >2. You used to listen to Rediffusion
> >
> >3. You wore Bata crepe to school and bought asham
> at the school gate
> >
> >4. You remember that the Lou and Ranny show used to
> come on at 7.00 pm on a
> >Sunday
> >
> >5. You know what the initials T.A.D.P stand for
> >
> >6. You know who Tony Verity is
> >
> >7. You can name more than two of the characters in
> a jonkanoo band
> >
> >8. You know what boxing title Bunny Grant held
> >
> >10. You didn't buy gigs, yo yo's, kites or sling
> shots in a store but made
> them
> >yourself
> >
> >11. You know what Fanta and Nu Grape is
> >
> >12. You know what a Woolsley, Humber and Zephyr are
> >
> >13. You got a washout and worm medicine at the end
> of summer holidays
> >
> >14. Your school graduation was called "prize
> giving"
> >
> >15. You still call Norman Manley Airport
> "Palisadoes"
> >
> >16. You still have a BOAC bag hidden somewhere in a
> closet
> >
> >17. You Remember when people used to go to the
> airport and come back with a
> >twang
> >
> >18. When you hear classical music on the radio you
> still say "is who ded
> now ?"
> >
> >19. You still refer to any smooth stretch of road
> as "barber greene"
> >
> >20. You still use words like "bine" and "clyded"
> AND know the difference
> between
> >the two
> >
> >
> > ANSWER KEY : If your answer is yes to -
> >
> >less than 5 - you are a babe in the woods
> >
> >5 to 10 - you are listening to too many of your
> parent's stories
> >
> >10 to 15 - getting up there, watch it !
> >
> >all 20 - you have Limacol and Bay Rum on the night
> stand and a chimmey
> under the
> >bed

Can you imagine receiving the following reply letter

from back home:

"How yuh mean if mi want anything? Read di list

below...

mek sure yuh read to di end.1 pair a church shoes
1 pair a shoes (lugz or some oder designer style)
2 pair a Nikey (di latest style cause a dem a wear ova
yah) mi a go print mi foot size pon piece a paper and
send to yuh couple
jeans(dont buy dem too tight cause a baggy jeans a
wear now...mi like Fubu or
CalvinKlein) some church shirt, some bashment shirt and ganzie fi wear
go danceand party short jeans (Fubu, Calvin Kein or Levis)
1 Nikey or Calvin Klein Belt1 CD player and some CD
(mi stop listen to cassette)
some folder leaf, some foreign pen and pencil, some
foreign book (di one dem whey yuh can use fi all 5 subjects)
1 school bag (di one whey mi have tear up)
1 football boots (mek sure yuh buy adidas)
1 football (mek sure yuh buy a good one and buy size 5)
some football shorts, socks and jersey (buy Adidas)(DEM SAY IT STAN FOR -ALL DAY I DREAM ABOUT SEX)(definately adidas)
2 cologne (1 fi wear everday and 1 fi when mi a go out)
Some foreign deodorant & some foreign soap (mi di luv dem
one weh yuh did have when yuh di out yah, mi caan
memba dem name) mi caan bada
wid da Carib carbolic Cuz if yuh have any money lef
buy some tings fi di house
nuh....(LIFEBOY) dem say it tek weh de body odor
1 color TV; 1 Dish (everybody pon di street have one
except we) 1 blender, couple bed spread and pilla case, table
cloth fi din kitchen (mi shame fi put on di one old pieca one mi have when people
cum visit me)some foreign saltfish (mi seh it deer out
yah) some tinners (bully beef, mackerel and dem tings deh)
flour, sugar, salt, rice, oil, onion, anything else
whey yuh see and know seh mi want.Tanks
P.S. Mi get 20 dalla U.S. fi sen cum fi help buy di
tings bu mi done seal up di envelop aready. Suh, nex time
when yuh cum, mi wi gi yuh.

All our love,Antie Puncie & Uncle Egbert

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was
from Trinidad, another from Barbados, and the
third from Jamaica. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they
did for a living. When they all replied that they were
contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why
don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence
they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Trinidadian contractor. He took out his tape measure
and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I
figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and
$100 profit for me."

Next was the contractor from Barbados. He also took out his tape measure and
pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks
like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and
$100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the Jamaican contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the brethren from
Barbados."

THE KEYS TO SUCCESS ARE IN YOUR HANDS

-----------------------------------------------
----------------------------------

Your life will always be what you make of it. Your
thoughts and actions will lead you to success or failure.

Always accept responsibility for your actions. Always
set a higher standard for yourself. No one is going to
do it for you. Only you can make it happen.

You cannot do everything, but you can do something.
Your success is but a determined action away.

THE ODDS ARE WITH YOU IF YOU TRY

-----------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------

Persistence. "Keep trying" is the rule that you
must follow to become successful in anything.
Persistence means taking pains to overcome every
obstacle, to do all that is necessary to reach
your goal.

Success in anything is connected with action.
Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes
but they don't quit. They hang on long after others
have let go.

Never, never, never, never quit. If you keep on
trying the odds are with you. Endurance is the
crowning quality of success.

YOUR SUCCESS DEPENDS ON OTHER PEOPLE

-----------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------

Your personal relationships are the fertile soil
from which all advancement, all success, all
achievement in real life grows.

You'll find that you can get anything you want in
life if you will help other people get what they
want. Always try to think in terms of what the
other person wants. The only hurdle between you
and what you want to be is the support of others.

When you hold a torch to light another's path you
brighten your own.

ALL WINNERS THINK AHEAD

-----------------------------------------------
----------------------------------

Think ahead of any approaching action. Make a plan
and you always have the advantage. You can be the
winner.

Time is the medium where you gain the advantage in
any situation. When you do things before they need
to be done, you position yourself ahead of time in
the best place.

Let your advance worrying become advance thinking
and planning. The time to repair the roof is when
the sun is shining.

In life, as in chess, forethought wins.