Friday, April 27, 2001
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was
from Trinidad, another from Barbados, and the
third from Jamaica. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they
did for a living. When they all replied that they were
contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why
don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence
they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Trinidadian contractor. He took out his tape measure
and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I
figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and
$100 profit for me."
Next was the contractor from Barbados. He also took out his tape measure and
pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks
like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and
$100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the Jamaican contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the brethren from
Barbados."
posted
Jamaican Old Age Test.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >You know you are getting old if:
> >
> >1. You had an exercise book with Queen Elizabeth
> and her husband on it
> instead
> >of a ring binder
> >
> >2. You used to listen to Rediffusion
> >
> >3. You wore Bata crepe to school and bought asham
> at the school gate
> >
> >4. You remember that the Lou and Ranny show used to
> come on at 7.00 pm on a
> >Sunday
> >
> >5. You know what the initials T.A.D.P stand for
> >
> >6. You know who Tony Verity is
> >
> >7. You can name more than two of the characters in
> a jonkanoo band
> >
> >8. You know what boxing title Bunny Grant held
> >
> >10. You didn't buy gigs, yo yo's, kites or sling
> shots in a store but made
> them
> >yourself
> >
> >11. You know what Fanta and Nu Grape is
> >
> >12. You know what a Woolsley, Humber and Zephyr are
> >
> >13. You got a washout and worm medicine at the end
> of summer holidays
> >
> >14. Your school graduation was called "prize
> giving"
> >
> >15. You still call Norman Manley Airport
> "Palisadoes"
> >
> >16. You still have a BOAC bag hidden somewhere in a
> closet
> >
> >17. You Remember when people used to go to the
> airport and come back with a
> >twang
> >
> >18. When you hear classical music on the radio you
> still say "is who ded
> now ?"
> >
> >19. You still refer to any smooth stretch of road
> as "barber greene"
> >
> >20. You still use words like "bine" and "clyded"
> AND know the difference
> between
> >the two
> >
> >
> > ANSWER KEY : If your answer is yes to -
> >
> >less than 5 - you are a babe in the woods
> >
> >5 to 10 - you are listening to too many of your
> parent's stories
> >
> >10 to 15 - getting up there, watch it !
> >
> >all 20 - you have Limacol and Bay Rum on the night
> stand and a chimmey
> under the
> >bed
posted
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >You know you are getting old if:
> >
> >1. You had an exercise book with Queen Elizabeth
> and her husband on it
> instead
> >of a ring binder
> >
> >2. You used to listen to Rediffusion
> >
> >3. You wore Bata crepe to school and bought asham
> at the school gate
> >
> >4. You remember that the Lou and Ranny show used to
> come on at 7.00 pm on a
> >Sunday
> >
> >5. You know what the initials T.A.D.P stand for
> >
> >6. You know who Tony Verity is
> >
> >7. You can name more than two of the characters in
> a jonkanoo band
> >
> >8. You know what boxing title Bunny Grant held
> >
> >10. You didn't buy gigs, yo yo's, kites or sling
> shots in a store but made
> them
> >yourself
> >
> >11. You know what Fanta and Nu Grape is
> >
> >12. You know what a Woolsley, Humber and Zephyr are
> >
> >13. You got a washout and worm medicine at the end
> of summer holidays
> >
> >14. Your school graduation was called "prize
> giving"
> >
> >15. You still call Norman Manley Airport
> "Palisadoes"
> >
> >16. You still have a BOAC bag hidden somewhere in a
> closet
> >
> >17. You Remember when people used to go to the
> airport and come back with a
> >twang
> >
> >18. When you hear classical music on the radio you
> still say "is who ded
> now ?"
> >
> >19. You still refer to any smooth stretch of road
> as "barber greene"
> >
> >20. You still use words like "bine" and "clyded"
> AND know the difference
> between
> >the two
> >
> >
> > ANSWER KEY : If your answer is yes to -
> >
> >less than 5 - you are a babe in the woods
> >
> >5 to 10 - you are listening to too many of your
> parent's stories
> >
> >10 to 15 - getting up there, watch it !
> >
> >all 20 - you have Limacol and Bay Rum on the night
> stand and a chimmey
> under the
> >bed
posted
Letter from Yard
Can you imagine receiving the following reply letter
from back home:
"How yuh mean if mi want anything? Read di list below...
mek sure yuh read to di end.1 pair a church shoes
1 pair a shoes (lugz or some oder designer style)
2 pair a Nikey (di latest style cause a dem a wear ova
yah) mi a go print mi foot size pon piece a paper and
send to yuh couple
jeans(dont buy dem too tight cause a baggy jeans a
wear now...mi like Fubu or
CalvinKlein) some church shirt, some bashment shirt and ganzie fi wear
go danceand party short jeans (Fubu, Calvin Kein or Levis)
1 Nikey or Calvin Klein Belt1 CD player and some CD
(mi stop listen to cassette)
some folder leaf, some foreign pen and pencil, some
foreign book (di one dem whey yuh can use fi all 5 subjects)
1 school bag (di one whey mi have tear up)
1 football boots (mek sure yuh buy adidas)
1 football (mek sure yuh buy a good one and buy size 5)
some football shorts, socks and jersey (buy Adidas)(DEM SAY IT STAN FOR -ALL DAY I DREAM ABOUT SEX)(definately adidas)
2 cologne (1 fi wear everday and 1 fi when mi a go out)
Some foreign deodorant & some foreign soap (mi di luv dem
one weh yuh did have when yuh di out yah, mi caan
memba dem name) mi caan bada
wid da Carib carbolic Cuz if yuh have any money lef
buy some tings fi di house
nuh....(LIFEBOY) dem say it tek weh de body odor
1 color TV; 1 Dish (everybody pon di street have one
except we) 1 blender, couple bed spread and pilla case, table
cloth fi din kitchen (mi shame fi put on di one old pieca one mi have when people
cum visit me)some foreign saltfish (mi seh it deer out
yah) some tinners (bully beef, mackerel and dem tings deh)
flour, sugar, salt, rice, oil, onion, anything else
whey yuh see and know seh mi want.Tanks
P.S. Mi get 20 dalla U.S. fi sen cum fi help buy di
tings bu mi done seal up di envelop aready. Suh, nex time
when yuh cum, mi wi gi yuh.
All our love,Antie Puncie & Uncle Egbert
Can you imagine receiving the following reply letter
from back home:
"How yuh mean if mi want anything? Read di list below...
mek sure yuh read to di end.1 pair a church shoes
1 pair a shoes (lugz or some oder designer style)
2 pair a Nikey (di latest style cause a dem a wear ova
yah) mi a go print mi foot size pon piece a paper and
send to yuh couple
jeans(dont buy dem too tight cause a baggy jeans a
wear now...mi like Fubu or
CalvinKlein) some church shirt, some bashment shirt and ganzie fi wear
go danceand party short jeans (Fubu, Calvin Kein or Levis)
1 Nikey or Calvin Klein Belt1 CD player and some CD
(mi stop listen to cassette)
some folder leaf, some foreign pen and pencil, some
foreign book (di one dem whey yuh can use fi all 5 subjects)
1 school bag (di one whey mi have tear up)
1 football boots (mek sure yuh buy adidas)
1 football (mek sure yuh buy a good one and buy size 5)
some football shorts, socks and jersey (buy Adidas)(DEM SAY IT STAN FOR -ALL DAY I DREAM ABOUT SEX)(definately adidas)
2 cologne (1 fi wear everday and 1 fi when mi a go out)
Some foreign deodorant & some foreign soap (mi di luv dem
one weh yuh did have when yuh di out yah, mi caan
memba dem name) mi caan bada
wid da Carib carbolic Cuz if yuh have any money lef
buy some tings fi di house
nuh....(LIFEBOY) dem say it tek weh de body odor
1 color TV; 1 Dish (everybody pon di street have one
except we) 1 blender, couple bed spread and pilla case, table
cloth fi din kitchen (mi shame fi put on di one old pieca one mi have when people
cum visit me)some foreign saltfish (mi seh it deer out
yah) some tinners (bully beef, mackerel and dem tings deh)
flour, sugar, salt, rice, oil, onion, anything else
whey yuh see and know seh mi want.Tanks
P.S. Mi get 20 dalla U.S. fi sen cum fi help buy di
tings bu mi done seal up di envelop aready. Suh, nex time
when yuh cum, mi wi gi yuh.
All our love,Antie Puncie & Uncle Egbert
Wednesday, April 25, 2001
The PM and the whores
The Prime Minister was looking for a whore. He found 3
such ladies in a local lounge. An American, a Cuban and a
local girl.
To the American he said:
I am the Prime Minister, how much would it cost me to
spend sometime with you?
Only $200.00 she replied.
Then he asked the Cuban the same question:
Only $100.00 was her reply
When he put the same proposition to the local girl, she replied:
Mr PM if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes,
pull my panty down as low as my wages,
get your cock as hard as the times are
and fuck me the way you are fucking the public.
Believe me, Mr Prime Minister, the pussy is yours for
free.
The Prime Minister was looking for a whore. He found 3
such ladies in a local lounge. An American, a Cuban and a
local girl.
To the American he said:
I am the Prime Minister, how much would it cost me to
spend sometime with you?
Only $200.00 she replied.
Then he asked the Cuban the same question:
Only $100.00 was her reply
When he put the same proposition to the local girl, she replied:
Mr PM if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes,
pull my panty down as low as my wages,
get your cock as hard as the times are
and fuck me the way you are fucking the public.
Believe me, Mr Prime Minister, the pussy is yours for
free.
How could we forget a word as important
as RASS and its many RASS uses.
1. RASS is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement...
tekki back 2 RASS! Gimme back 2 RASS!
2. RASS can be used in biology
eg.....Look pan di gal RASS!
3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles....cover yu RASS!
4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances....
me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly RASS!
move yu RASS from me, 2RASS!
5. It can describe extreme pain....
it hot nuh RASS!
me granny gi me some RASS lick!
6. It can describe size.....
yuh foot dem big nuh RASS!
him have a RASS mouth deh
As you can see RASS is the Jamaican all-purpose word. Use it as
often as yu RASS feel.
Greeting......How de RASS yu do!
Fraud.........Yu too RASS tief!
Dismay........RASS!
Trouble.......Oh RASS!
Aggression....Watch yu RASS self!
Disgust.......Cho RASS!
Confusion.....Wha di RASS a gwaan!
Incompetence..A wha di RASS yu a do....RASS-idiot!
Lost..........Whe di RASS we deh!
Pleasure......it nice nuh RASS!
Retaliation...Yu RASS-claat...And of course..kiss mi RASS!
Me gone to RASS!!
Go do yu RASS work!!
as RASS and its many RASS uses.
1. RASS is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement...
tekki back 2 RASS! Gimme back 2 RASS!
2. RASS can be used in biology
eg.....Look pan di gal RASS!
3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles....cover yu RASS!
4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances....
me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly RASS!
move yu RASS from me, 2RASS!
5. It can describe extreme pain....
it hot nuh RASS!
me granny gi me some RASS lick!
6. It can describe size.....
yuh foot dem big nuh RASS!
him have a RASS mouth deh
As you can see RASS is the Jamaican all-purpose word. Use it as
often as yu RASS feel.
Greeting......How de RASS yu do!
Fraud.........Yu too RASS tief!
Dismay........RASS!
Trouble.......Oh RASS!
Aggression....Watch yu RASS self!
Disgust.......Cho RASS!
Confusion.....Wha di RASS a gwaan!
Incompetence..A wha di RASS yu a do....RASS-idiot!
Lost..........Whe di RASS we deh!
Pleasure......it nice nuh RASS!
Retaliation...Yu RASS-claat...And of course..kiss mi RASS!
Me gone to RASS!!
Go do yu RASS work!!
Friday, April 20, 2001
LAST MEAL
Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, "Pepperoni Pizza."
The warden serves him his Pepperoni Pizza, and then escorts him to his execution.
The Frenchman requests Filet Mignon.
The warden serves him his Filet Mignon, and then escorts him to his execution.
The Jamaican requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES?????"
"Yes, strawberries."
The warden replies, "but they're out of season!"
"So?" replies the Jamaican. "I man will wait, star.
Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, "Pepperoni Pizza."
The warden serves him his Pepperoni Pizza, and then escorts him to his execution.
The Frenchman requests Filet Mignon.
The warden serves him his Filet Mignon, and then escorts him to his execution.
The Jamaican requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES?????"
"Yes, strawberries."
The warden replies, "but they're out of season!"
"So?" replies the Jamaican. "I man will wait, star.
GATES OF HEAVEN
A Jamaican man is at the Gates of Heaven and is stopped by Enoch . . .
Enoch: I have 3 questions to ask before I can let you in.
Jamaican: No problem, go ahead.
Enoch: Which day of the week begins with the letter T?
Jamaican: Today and tomorrow
Enoch: Well, that wasn't really the answer I was looking for but. I'll give you the second question. How many seconds are there in a year?
Jamaican: 12
Enoch: How did you arrive at 12?
Jamaican: 2nd of Jan, 2nd of Feb, 2nd of Mar, 2nd of Apr, . . .
By now Enoch is getting exasperated with this foo-fool Jamaican.
Enoch: Alright, this is the final question. What is the name of our Lord and Saviour?
Jamaican: Andy
Enoch: My goodness man, don't you read your Bible?
Jamaican: Yes, but every time mi guh a church dem sing:
Andy walks with me,
Andy talks with me,
Andy tells me I am his own...
A Jamaican man is at the Gates of Heaven and is stopped by Enoch . . .
Enoch: I have 3 questions to ask before I can let you in.
Jamaican: No problem, go ahead.
Enoch: Which day of the week begins with the letter T?
Jamaican: Today and tomorrow
Enoch: Well, that wasn't really the answer I was looking for but. I'll give you the second question. How many seconds are there in a year?
Jamaican: 12
Enoch: How did you arrive at 12?
Jamaican: 2nd of Jan, 2nd of Feb, 2nd of Mar, 2nd of Apr, . . .
By now Enoch is getting exasperated with this foo-fool Jamaican.
Enoch: Alright, this is the final question. What is the name of our Lord and Saviour?
Jamaican: Andy
Enoch: My goodness man, don't you read your Bible?
Jamaican: Yes, but every time mi guh a church dem sing:
Andy walks with me,
Andy talks with me,
Andy tells me I am his own...
JAMAICAN PHRASES
The phrases below are in standard English followed by Jamaican,Trinidadian and Barbadian English.
CANADIAN: Excuse me little girl, can I fit in there?
JAMAICAN: Hey, pickney, small up youself!
TRINI: smallie, gimmeh ah pass dey
BAJAN: Scotch rung!
CANADIAN: That woman is overweight.
JAMAICAN: Lawd, look how she fat and spread out like mash bullfrog.
TRINI: Oh jeesan, dah woman realllll fat
BAJAN: You she big as shite ya.
CANADIAN: You are such an attractive woman.
JAMAICAN: Gal you look like fresh vegetable.
TRINI: darlin, yuh lookin real good
BAJAN: psssstt my friend.
CANADIAN: I really would like for us to be intimate.
JAMAICAN: Gal mi wan be wid you.
TRINI: chek nah, ah wan tuh breed yuh
BAJAN: ya gunna gimme peice or wha?
CANADIAN: There are a lot of men out there, that I can date besides you.
JAMAICAN: Tree no grow inna my face yu know.
TRINI: Real men chek fuh me
BAJAN: When one door shut anudder one does open.
CANADIAN: He is such a womanizer.
JAMAICAN: Him walk bout like dawg, every light post him si him haffi stap.
TRINI: Hees ah real sweetman
BAJAN: Heez de man.
CANADIAN: You really should get him out of your life dear.
JAMAICAN: Dat de man jus a block traffic, tell him fi ease off.
TRINI: Done dat man oui
BAJAN: Ya should leff he raaaaassshole!!!
CANADIAN: He is such a kind, sensitive man.
JAMAICAN: Him a saawfas man.
TRINI: Heez a sorfman
BAJAN: Heez a buller!!!
CANADIAN: You have a crumb on your face, dear.
JAMAICAN: You look like when fowl come from mango walk.
TRINI:Yuh have ting on yuh face
BAJAN: Uh uuuh!!! Was dat on ya face???
CANADIAN: Oh, I see you are entering puberty.
JAMAICAN: How you face bumpy-bumpy like grater so?
TRINI: Yuh face real juk up
BAJAN: Ya face look like a ripe sour-sop.
CANADIAN: Honestly, I don't know the answer.
JAMAICAN: Ah wah you a bodda me guthole fa?
TRINI: I eh know
BAJAN: WHA???
CANADIAN: Hors d'heurves
JAMAICAN: Ah wah dis yah likkle sinting you a gi me?
TRINI: Wey de food?
BAJAN: Horse Derves.
CANADIAN: Casserole
JAMAICAN: Putto-putto
TRINI: Pelau
BAJAN: Cou-Cou
CANADIAN: Aeroplane
JAMAICAN: Silver bird
TRINI: Tri Star
BAJAN: Bwee
CANADIAN: Bank teller
JAMAICAN: Bank clark
TRINI:Big wok
BAJAN: Tellar
CANADIAN: Taxi
JAMAICAN: Robot
TRINI:maxi
BAJAN: ZR
CANADIAN: Speed bumps
JAMAICAN: Sleeping Policeman
TRINI: Road humps
BAJAN: Road bumps
CANADIAN: He looks upset
JAMAICAN: Him have screwface
TRINI: Dat man real vex
BAJAN: He real screwpouch ya.
The phrases below are in standard English followed by Jamaican,Trinidadian and Barbadian English.
CANADIAN: Excuse me little girl, can I fit in there?
JAMAICAN: Hey, pickney, small up youself!
TRINI: smallie, gimmeh ah pass dey
BAJAN: Scotch rung!
CANADIAN: That woman is overweight.
JAMAICAN: Lawd, look how she fat and spread out like mash bullfrog.
TRINI: Oh jeesan, dah woman realllll fat
BAJAN: You she big as shite ya.
CANADIAN: You are such an attractive woman.
JAMAICAN: Gal you look like fresh vegetable.
TRINI: darlin, yuh lookin real good
BAJAN: psssstt my friend.
CANADIAN: I really would like for us to be intimate.
JAMAICAN: Gal mi wan be wid you.
TRINI: chek nah, ah wan tuh breed yuh
BAJAN: ya gunna gimme peice or wha?
CANADIAN: There are a lot of men out there, that I can date besides you.
JAMAICAN: Tree no grow inna my face yu know.
TRINI: Real men chek fuh me
BAJAN: When one door shut anudder one does open.
CANADIAN: He is such a womanizer.
JAMAICAN: Him walk bout like dawg, every light post him si him haffi stap.
TRINI: Hees ah real sweetman
BAJAN: Heez de man.
CANADIAN: You really should get him out of your life dear.
JAMAICAN: Dat de man jus a block traffic, tell him fi ease off.
TRINI: Done dat man oui
BAJAN: Ya should leff he raaaaassshole!!!
CANADIAN: He is such a kind, sensitive man.
JAMAICAN: Him a saawfas man.
TRINI: Heez a sorfman
BAJAN: Heez a buller!!!
CANADIAN: You have a crumb on your face, dear.
JAMAICAN: You look like when fowl come from mango walk.
TRINI:Yuh have ting on yuh face
BAJAN: Uh uuuh!!! Was dat on ya face???
CANADIAN: Oh, I see you are entering puberty.
JAMAICAN: How you face bumpy-bumpy like grater so?
TRINI: Yuh face real juk up
BAJAN: Ya face look like a ripe sour-sop.
CANADIAN: Honestly, I don't know the answer.
JAMAICAN: Ah wah you a bodda me guthole fa?
TRINI: I eh know
BAJAN: WHA???
CANADIAN: Hors d'heurves
JAMAICAN: Ah wah dis yah likkle sinting you a gi me?
TRINI: Wey de food?
BAJAN: Horse Derves.
CANADIAN: Casserole
JAMAICAN: Putto-putto
TRINI: Pelau
BAJAN: Cou-Cou
CANADIAN: Aeroplane
JAMAICAN: Silver bird
TRINI: Tri Star
BAJAN: Bwee
CANADIAN: Bank teller
JAMAICAN: Bank clark
TRINI:Big wok
BAJAN: Tellar
CANADIAN: Taxi
JAMAICAN: Robot
TRINI:maxi
BAJAN: ZR
CANADIAN: Speed bumps
JAMAICAN: Sleeping Policeman
TRINI: Road humps
BAJAN: Road bumps
CANADIAN: He looks upset
JAMAICAN: Him have screwface
TRINI: Dat man real vex
BAJAN: He real screwpouch ya.
College
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Jamaican male student in the crowd inquired: "Iya - how much fe a season pass?" ( How much for a season pass?)
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Jamaican male student in the crowd inquired: "Iya - how much fe a season pass?" ( How much for a season pass?)
The Jamaican Titanic
Had the Titanic left Jamaican waters!
The Titanic was about to set sail from Old harbor with hundreds
aboard. Fitzroy Brown said his goodbye to his wifie ' Awright baby
Love ..tek care til mi come back yuh hear, yuh done know sey when mi reach
a Englan' an get mi paypas straight mi wi sen fi yuh soh wi can live nice
zeen'
Wifie: OK mi love, tek care and mine yuh drown a sea, if mi hear
sey yuh drown a gwine kill yuh, and Fitzroy memba fi sen dung some
trang English pound fi mi an di pickney dem.
Later that evening on board, the lower deck was pack filled with
a massive crowd packed in like sardines. Some were nodding to the heavy
base rydym as DJ Daag Heart spin di wickedest tunes on the "Sea Love"
sound system.
The "deckhall" crew was partying like it was 1949. The ship was
owned an operated by the Pot-head Na*ve People (PNP) .
The ship's Captain was preoccupied with kissing up to the big
spenders on the ship. 'Hi Madam Portia Simpson, yuh looking lovely wid
all dem gold a glisten roun yuh neck dowe an a soh yuh fat an rosey'. '
Hey PJ, let's keep our fingers cross, no riots and deck blocks on the ship so
far ah?
(wink, wink)
PJ: Dat is because a don't announce di fare increase yet.. but I
will have Omar deal wid dat lata.
At the controls on the upper deck were SAMMY and RUPERT. Both had
been drinking Guinness stout to keep awake as evident by the empty
bottles rolling back and forth on the floor.
SAMMY: Di Blouze Naught place cold eeh Rasta ..kiss mi neck!
RUPERT: Yuh tink a joke ... if mi teet dem noh tap rakkle ..mi
boun' fi loose all 13 a dem!
SAMMY: A wonda how far wi deh now.. wi noh suppose to soon reach
Englan'..? How much a'clack yuh have boss?
RUPERT: Half pass ten, and wi tell di port autorities dem sey di
ship suppose to dock roun 9:30..but wi noh too late ..9:30 is about 11:30
Jamaican time.. soh wi pon track sed way.
SAMMY: A wha dat ova deyso ina di wata Rupert? (pointing)
RUPERT: Dah big sinting dey? ..It look like a one oversize snow
cone. A wonda a wah?
SAMMY: Mi noh too sure but a one rahtid ugly looking sinting..yow
mi a go ding di Captain. (He radios) Captain Barkley ..one snow cone ina
di way sar. What is we to do?..'hova han hout '
CAPTAIN: Bwaay a weh yuh a tell mi sey? Snow cone? Ina sea?
SAMMY: Come look pan it den noh sar.. afta mi noh know a what it
is sar. The Captain appeared on deck and upon seeing the culprit he
yelled:
Kiss mi false teet! ICEBERG ICEBERG!!! BLOW DI HARN, BLOW DI HARN!!
RUPERT: But if a iceberg sar, what blowing di harn gwine do.. it
nat gwine move outa di way!
CAPTAIN: Bwaay don't back ansa mi, mi seh BLOW DI HARN! ..So he
did as he was told.
SAMMY: Captain Barkley mi have a betta idea sah.. Why wi noh jus
lock up di steering wheel and cock di ship pan di side.
CAPTAIN: Awright do yu bes and mek sure yuh noh lick up mi ship
pan dah sinting deh cause it noh insure an memba seh unu a navigate unda
suspended license so do - tek unu time.
Sammy and Rupert worked hard locking the steering to the right.
The ship was by now sailing on the side and the passengers all fell on
top of each other.
Some panicked: 'Oye Driva Tek time roun di carna noh man. Try
yuh bes jus let mi aff mek mi ketch aneda ship before yuh kill mi inya'
Meanwhile, on the deck the three men watched in horror as the
ship came dangerously close to the iceberg. The Captain trembled: 'Eternal
fada bless our land.. RUPERT and SAMMY unu sey a likkle praya caus wi
bout fi si pinnie walli up inya.
SAMMY: Jus res yuh foot Capn', wi dun safe ..wi a go mek it man
.. a years mi a drive ship!
And so as Sammy predicted, the ship cleared the iceberg.
RUPERT: Respec! ..What a wicked one wheelie dat was.. kiss mi
cockafart! Di Captn piss im pants!
They all laughed and hugged and dapped fist as a sign of relief.
The CAPTAIN spoke in the intercom: Ladies an genklemen, dis is your
Captain speaking: we about to land ..a mean about to dock in about
anodda half hour. Sit tightly and tank unu for sailing the Titatnic..your
continued patronage is always welcome.
**********************************************************
The moral of the story: Had it been Jamaicans on the Titanic, it
would not have crashed and sunk. It would have reached its destination
LATE but it would have gotten there in one piece.
Had the Titanic left Jamaican waters!
The Titanic was about to set sail from Old harbor with hundreds
aboard. Fitzroy Brown said his goodbye to his wifie ' Awright baby
Love ..tek care til mi come back yuh hear, yuh done know sey when mi reach
a Englan' an get mi paypas straight mi wi sen fi yuh soh wi can live nice
zeen'
Wifie: OK mi love, tek care and mine yuh drown a sea, if mi hear
sey yuh drown a gwine kill yuh, and Fitzroy memba fi sen dung some
trang English pound fi mi an di pickney dem.
Later that evening on board, the lower deck was pack filled with
a massive crowd packed in like sardines. Some were nodding to the heavy
base rydym as DJ Daag Heart spin di wickedest tunes on the "Sea Love"
sound system.
The "deckhall" crew was partying like it was 1949. The ship was
owned an operated by the Pot-head Na*ve People (PNP) .
The ship's Captain was preoccupied with kissing up to the big
spenders on the ship. 'Hi Madam Portia Simpson, yuh looking lovely wid
all dem gold a glisten roun yuh neck dowe an a soh yuh fat an rosey'. '
Hey PJ, let's keep our fingers cross, no riots and deck blocks on the ship so
far ah?
(wink, wink)
PJ: Dat is because a don't announce di fare increase yet.. but I
will have Omar deal wid dat lata.
At the controls on the upper deck were SAMMY and RUPERT. Both had
been drinking Guinness stout to keep awake as evident by the empty
bottles rolling back and forth on the floor.
SAMMY: Di Blouze Naught place cold eeh Rasta ..kiss mi neck!
RUPERT: Yuh tink a joke ... if mi teet dem noh tap rakkle ..mi
boun' fi loose all 13 a dem!
SAMMY: A wonda how far wi deh now.. wi noh suppose to soon reach
Englan'..? How much a'clack yuh have boss?
RUPERT: Half pass ten, and wi tell di port autorities dem sey di
ship suppose to dock roun 9:30..but wi noh too late ..9:30 is about 11:30
Jamaican time.. soh wi pon track sed way.
SAMMY: A wha dat ova deyso ina di wata Rupert? (pointing)
RUPERT: Dah big sinting dey? ..It look like a one oversize snow
cone. A wonda a wah?
SAMMY: Mi noh too sure but a one rahtid ugly looking sinting..yow
mi a go ding di Captain. (He radios) Captain Barkley ..one snow cone ina
di way sar. What is we to do?..'hova han hout '
CAPTAIN: Bwaay a weh yuh a tell mi sey? Snow cone? Ina sea?
SAMMY: Come look pan it den noh sar.. afta mi noh know a what it
is sar. The Captain appeared on deck and upon seeing the culprit he
yelled:
Kiss mi false teet! ICEBERG ICEBERG!!! BLOW DI HARN, BLOW DI HARN!!
RUPERT: But if a iceberg sar, what blowing di harn gwine do.. it
nat gwine move outa di way!
CAPTAIN: Bwaay don't back ansa mi, mi seh BLOW DI HARN! ..So he
did as he was told.
SAMMY: Captain Barkley mi have a betta idea sah.. Why wi noh jus
lock up di steering wheel and cock di ship pan di side.
CAPTAIN: Awright do yu bes and mek sure yuh noh lick up mi ship
pan dah sinting deh cause it noh insure an memba seh unu a navigate unda
suspended license so do - tek unu time.
Sammy and Rupert worked hard locking the steering to the right.
The ship was by now sailing on the side and the passengers all fell on
top of each other.
Some panicked: 'Oye Driva Tek time roun di carna noh man. Try
yuh bes jus let mi aff mek mi ketch aneda ship before yuh kill mi inya'
Meanwhile, on the deck the three men watched in horror as the
ship came dangerously close to the iceberg. The Captain trembled: 'Eternal
fada bless our land.. RUPERT and SAMMY unu sey a likkle praya caus wi
bout fi si pinnie walli up inya.
SAMMY: Jus res yuh foot Capn', wi dun safe ..wi a go mek it man
.. a years mi a drive ship!
And so as Sammy predicted, the ship cleared the iceberg.
RUPERT: Respec! ..What a wicked one wheelie dat was.. kiss mi
cockafart! Di Captn piss im pants!
They all laughed and hugged and dapped fist as a sign of relief.
The CAPTAIN spoke in the intercom: Ladies an genklemen, dis is your
Captain speaking: we about to land ..a mean about to dock in about
anodda half hour. Sit tightly and tank unu for sailing the Titatnic..your
continued patronage is always welcome.
**********************************************************
The moral of the story: Had it been Jamaicans on the Titanic, it
would not have crashed and sunk. It would have reached its destination
LATE but it would have gotten there in one piece.
20,000 JAMAICANS
St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have stolen my horn. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drumpan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".
Angels must have two wings to fly! The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they don't do "day's work".
Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles.
Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other residents. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile. What should I do?!"
The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities.
Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil."
The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?"
The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it."
The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes.
Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, "Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here ... They have just put out the fire!" and Installed Air Conditioning.
St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have stolen my horn. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drumpan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".
Angels must have two wings to fly! The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they don't do "day's work".
Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles.
Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other residents. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile. What should I do?!"
The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities.
Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil."
The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?"
The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it."
The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes.
Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, "Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here ... They have just put out the fire!" and Installed Air Conditioning.
ON TIME
A mother and her son were flying Air Jamaica from Kingston to Miami.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If
big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Honey, did your mom tell you to ask me
that?"
He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother
it's because Air Jamaica always pulls out on time."
A mother and her son were flying Air Jamaica from Kingston to Miami.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If
big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Honey, did your mom tell you to ask me
that?"
He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother
it's because Air Jamaica always pulls out on time."
Jamaican Technology ???
After having dug 100m, British scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one millennium ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the French dug 200m (100m) deeper than their neighbors) and headlines in the French newspapers read: "French scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone networks 1000 years earlier than the Brits."
One week later, the Jamaican Press reported the following: "After having dug as deep as 500m, Jamaican scientists found absolutely nothing and our Minister of Technology has concluded that 5000 years ago, OUR ancestors were already using cellular."
After having dug 100m, British scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one millennium ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the French dug 200m (100m) deeper than their neighbors) and headlines in the French newspapers read: "French scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone networks 1000 years earlier than the Brits."
One week later, the Jamaican Press reported the following: "After having dug as deep as 500m, Jamaican scientists found absolutely nothing and our Minister of Technology has concluded that 5000 years ago, OUR ancestors were already using cellular."
Joke from Yard ( in English..Jamaican Joke)
Notes From An inexperienced Jerk Chicken Taster named FRANK, from Boston, who was visiting Jamaica. Portland, specifically an area called Boston is the home of jerk seasoning in Jamaica.
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Jamaica, to be a judge at a Jerk Chicken cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Jamaicans) that the Jerk Chicken wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Entry # 1: Mosiah's Hell Raiser Jerk Chicken
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on pimento. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Entry # 2:Shatta's Mo Fyah Jerk Chicken
JUDGE ONE: Smoky flavor. Slight Scotch Bonnet tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this @#$% out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Entry # 3: Willie's Backstrech Burn Jerk Chicken
JUDGE ONE: Great kick. Needs more spices.
JUDGE TWO: A bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a %$#@ joke. Call the @#$% EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got the $@%# out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Entry # 4: Wasp's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Good side dish for other mild foods.
FRANK: %$#@!!! I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was unable to taste it. Miss Icey, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Entry # 5: My Yout's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Scotch Bonnet peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Must admit the Scotch Bonnet peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the %$#@ paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her Jerk Chicken had given me brain
damage. Miss Icey saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Entry # 6: Shelly T's Very Spicy Variety
JUDGE ONE: Good balance of spices and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and spices. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Entry # 7: Wally's Screaming Sensation Jerk Chicken
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre Jerk Chicken with too much
reliance on bottled seasoning.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw on
bottled seasoning at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: I think these @$% people are trying to kill me!!! You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My clothes are covered with Jerk, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they'll know what the &$#@ killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Entry # 8: Portia's Delight
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend Jerk Chicken, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced Jerk Chicken, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the Jerk Chicken platter on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Notes From An inexperienced Jerk Chicken Taster named FRANK, from Boston, who was visiting Jamaica. Portland, specifically an area called Boston is the home of jerk seasoning in Jamaica.
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Jamaica, to be a judge at a Jerk Chicken cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Jamaicans) that the Jerk Chicken wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Entry # 1: Mosiah's Hell Raiser Jerk Chicken
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on pimento. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Entry # 2:Shatta's Mo Fyah Jerk Chicken
JUDGE ONE: Smoky flavor. Slight Scotch Bonnet tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this @#$% out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Entry # 3: Willie's Backstrech Burn Jerk Chicken
JUDGE ONE: Great kick. Needs more spices.
JUDGE TWO: A bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a %$#@ joke. Call the @#$% EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got the $@%# out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Entry # 4: Wasp's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Good side dish for other mild foods.
FRANK: %$#@!!! I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was unable to taste it. Miss Icey, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Entry # 5: My Yout's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Scotch Bonnet peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Must admit the Scotch Bonnet peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the %$#@ paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her Jerk Chicken had given me brain
damage. Miss Icey saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Entry # 6: Shelly T's Very Spicy Variety
JUDGE ONE: Good balance of spices and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and spices. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Entry # 7: Wally's Screaming Sensation Jerk Chicken
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre Jerk Chicken with too much
reliance on bottled seasoning.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw on
bottled seasoning at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: I think these @$% people are trying to kill me!!! You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My clothes are covered with Jerk, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they'll know what the &$#@ killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Entry # 8: Portia's Delight
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend Jerk Chicken, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced Jerk Chicken, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the Jerk Chicken platter on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Jamaicans just love to talk......
Three death row inmates-an American, a Japanese and a Jamaican-were about to be sent to the electric chair. The American got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so he was set free (apparently if the state tries to execute someone and "has
technical difficulties" during the process and it doesn't happen, the person is set free). The Japanese got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so
he was set free. The Jamaican got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said "Yah man, you don't see the ting no plug in!"
Three death row inmates-an American, a Japanese and a Jamaican-were about to be sent to the electric chair. The American got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so he was set free (apparently if the state tries to execute someone and "has
technical difficulties" during the process and it doesn't happen, the person is set free). The Japanese got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so
he was set free. The Jamaican got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said "Yah man, you don't see the ting no plug in!"
Thursday, April 19, 2001
A Jamaican (Jamaican again!) lady pregnant
with twins was in a car accident and went into a coma. During the
coma she gave birth to twins, a
boy and a girl. Sometime later when she woke
from the coma she was told
that she had given birth and that her brother had
been nice enough to name them.
The mother was extremely upset to hear this.
She told the nurse that they never should have let her brother name
the children because he was an
idiot from the country. The nurse assured her
that he had done rather well; he
named the little girl "Denise". The mother
seemed okay with that so she
asked the nurse what he had named her son.
The nurse replied, "Denephew".
with twins was in a car accident and went into a coma. During the
coma she gave birth to twins, a
boy and a girl. Sometime later when she woke
from the coma she was told
that she had given birth and that her brother had
been nice enough to name them.
The mother was extremely upset to hear this.
She told the nurse that they never should have let her brother name
the children because he was an
idiot from the country. The nurse assured her
that he had done rather well; he
named the little girl "Denise". The mother
seemed okay with that so she
asked the nurse what he had named her son.
The nurse replied, "Denephew".
A Jamaican man is sitting watching tv and his
wife comes up behind him and claps him with a frying pan.
"Ay! Wa' di rass dat for?" he shouts.
"Mi find one paper inna unu pocket wid a gyal name pon it,
"Miss Maisy." she says.
"Wa ya mean? Me an' me frien' Leroy went a race track last week and
Miss Maisy is de name a de 'orse weh run ina
de first race." he protests.
Two days later he is sitting watching tv again
and "wack" one rass lick ina him head-back with a dutch-pot.
"Oooowww" he shouts, "wa' dat for now?"
"Yu horse deh pan di phone "!
wife comes up behind him and claps him with a frying pan.
"Ay! Wa' di rass dat for?" he shouts.
"Mi find one paper inna unu pocket wid a gyal name pon it,
"Miss Maisy." she says.
"Wa ya mean? Me an' me frien' Leroy went a race track last week and
Miss Maisy is de name a de 'orse weh run ina
de first race." he protests.
Two days later he is sitting watching tv again
and "wack" one rass lick ina him head-back with a dutch-pot.
"Oooowww" he shouts, "wa' dat for now?"
"Yu horse deh pan di phone "!
Donovan was on his death bed. His wife Leila
was maintaining bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips > began to move slightly.
"Mih dahlin Leila," he whispered.
"Hush mih love," she said. "Rest.
Shhh...doh talk."
He was insistent.
"Leila" he said, in his tired voice. Me have
someting me hafa confess to yuh."
"Yuh have nuttin to confess." replied the
weeping Leila.
Everyting alright, go to sleep mih love."
"No, no, me hafa die in peace love. Me sleep
wit yuh sister, yuh best friend and yuh mudda."
"Me know," answered Leila, "dats why me poison
yuh rass."
was maintaining bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips > began to move slightly.
"Mih dahlin Leila," he whispered.
"Hush mih love," she said. "Rest.
Shhh...doh talk."
He was insistent.
"Leila" he said, in his tired voice. Me have
someting me hafa confess to yuh."
"Yuh have nuttin to confess." replied the
weeping Leila.
Everyting alright, go to sleep mih love."
"No, no, me hafa die in peace love. Me sleep
wit yuh sister, yuh best friend and yuh mudda."
"Me know," answered Leila, "dats why me poison
yuh rass."
Tuesday, April 03, 2001
A man from the deep country went to the Jamaican
> >Airport hysterically carrying his luggage, passport,
> >and other necessary items for travel.
> >
> >He anxiously asked the agent at the ticket counter,
> >(with thick Jamaican accent)"Do. Sell me a ticket to
> >Jeopardy, ma'am."
> >
> >The agent looked confused."Jeopardy, sir? Where is
> >that?"
> >
> >The man got even more anxious & agitated. "Mi nuh ha'
> >time fi fool. Jus' sell mi a ticket to Jeopardy."
> >
> >The agent looked through her map and other materials.
> >"Sir, there is no such place! Are you sure that's
> >where you need to travel?"
> >
> >The man lost his temper and slammed his fist on the
> >counter."Look, 'ooman. Mi seh mi nuh have time fi
> >fool. Mi hear pon mi radio dis mawning seh 900 jobs
> >inna Jeopardy so ah de suh mi need fi go NOW!"
>
Jamaican Technology ???
After having dug 100m, British scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one millennium ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the French dug 200m (100m) deeper than their neighbors) and headlines in the French newspapers read: "French scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone networks 1000 years earlier than the Brits."
One week later, the Jamaican Press reported the following: "After having dug as deep as 500m, Jamaican scientists found absolutely nothing and our Minister of Technology has concluded that 5000 years ago, OUR ancestors were already using cellular."
After having dug 100m, British scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one millennium ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the French dug 200m (100m) deeper than their neighbors) and headlines in the French newspapers read: "French scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone networks 1000 years earlier than the Brits."
One week later, the Jamaican Press reported the following: "After having dug as deep as 500m, Jamaican scientists found absolutely nothing and our Minister of Technology has concluded that 5000 years ago, OUR ancestors were already using cellular."
Jamaicans just love to talk......
Three death row inmates-an American, a Japanese and a Jamaican-were about to be sent to the electric chair. The American got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so he was set free (apparently if the state tries to execute someone and "has
technical difficulties" during the process and it doesn't happen, the person is set free). The Japanese got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so
he was set free. The Jamaican got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said "Yah man, you don't see the ting no plug in!"
Three death row inmates-an American, a Japanese and a Jamaican-were about to be sent to the electric chair. The American got strapped in and was asked if he had any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so he was set free (apparently if the state tries to execute someone and "has
technical difficulties" during the process and it doesn't happen, the person is set free). The Japanese got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said No; they pressed the button-nothing happened, so
he was set free. The Jamaican got strapped in and was asked if he had
any last words. He said "Yah man, you don't see the ting no plug in!"