20,000 JAMAICAN
St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have stolen my horn. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drumpan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling". Angels must have two wings to fly! The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they don't do "day's work". Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles. Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other residents. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile. What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, "Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here ... They have just put out the fire!" and Installed Air Conditioning.
Wednesday, May 09, 2001
Jah will save me
A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian's home was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling sure that his prayer would be answered he waited patiently. After a few minutes some men came in a boat and asked him if he needed help. To this he replied: "Jah will save I and I." So the boat left. A few minutes passed then a plane came to aid the dread followed by a helicopter, and each time the Ras replied: "Jah will save di I."
Alas, the Ras drowned. When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked: "Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi prayer?"
"Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat, plane and helicopter fi yuh."
A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian's home was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling sure that his prayer would be answered he waited patiently. After a few minutes some men came in a boat and asked him if he needed help. To this he replied: "Jah will save I and I." So the boat left. A few minutes passed then a plane came to aid the dread followed by a helicopter, and each time the Ras replied: "Jah will save di I."
Alas, the Ras drowned. When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked: "Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi prayer?"
"Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat, plane and helicopter fi yuh."
Go back to the $20 ears
Tony was sitting in a crowded bar when Bobby, a 'friend' of his who was always broke, approached him and whispered in his left ear: "Tony, beg yuh a $20 nuh?" Tony, pretending to be hard of hearing, said: "Whe yu seh? Ah caan hear yuh?"
Bobby repeated: "Beg yuh a $20 nuh?" Tony pretended to be still unable to hear. Bobby then went around to Tony's right ear and said: "Begyuh a $50 nuh?"
Tony replied: "Boss, ah beg yuh go back to de $20 ears!"
Tony was sitting in a crowded bar when Bobby, a 'friend' of his who was always broke, approached him and whispered in his left ear: "Tony, beg yuh a $20 nuh?" Tony, pretending to be hard of hearing, said: "Whe yu seh? Ah caan hear yuh?"
Bobby repeated: "Beg yuh a $20 nuh?" Tony pretended to be still unable to hear. Bobby then went around to Tony's right ear and said: "Begyuh a $50 nuh?"
Tony replied: "Boss, ah beg yuh go back to de $20 ears!"
Send man go a sun
A man called a popular Jamaican talk show and said: "Miss G, mi caan understand how people love do di same ting ova and ova."
"Could you explain that my dear sir," Miss G replied.
"Well mam, every day dem a sen man go a moon. Why dem caan sen smaddy go a sun?"
Calmly, Miss G replied: "Well, my dear sir, the sun is so hot here and it is 93 million miles away. Can you imagine how hot it is there? The spacecraft wouldn't even get close. It would burn up many miles away from the sun." Laughing with a know-it-all, the caller replied: "Den a no easy ting dat fi solve Miss G. Jus sen di ship inna de night!!"
A man called a popular Jamaican talk show and said: "Miss G, mi caan understand how people love do di same ting ova and ova."
"Could you explain that my dear sir," Miss G replied.
"Well mam, every day dem a sen man go a moon. Why dem caan sen smaddy go a sun?"
Calmly, Miss G replied: "Well, my dear sir, the sun is so hot here and it is 93 million miles away. Can you imagine how hot it is there? The spacecraft wouldn't even get close. It would burn up many miles away from the sun." Laughing with a know-it-all, the caller replied: "Den a no easy ting dat fi solve Miss G. Jus sen di ship inna de night!!"
Beating the gate
Big John was watching a football (soccer) match at the National Stadium when, during half-time, his brother Little John, shirt torn, dripping sweat and looking generally disheveled, dropped into the seat beside him. Taking out a huge purple rag and wiping his face he said: "Big John mi bredda, mi know seh mi late an' mi stay a way, but a jus' so. Mi jump tree fence, fight off two guard dog, run lef 4 policeman, wrassle wid a security guard, crawl tru one tunnel, ketch ticks, tear mi pants, lose mi watch, miss half di match, and a tiad. But it worth it. Mi beat di gate!! Mi nuh pay come een!!" Looking at him sadly Big John said: "Mi bredda, mi hate fi tell yu dis, but di match free!!"
Big John was watching a football (soccer) match at the National Stadium when, during half-time, his brother Little John, shirt torn, dripping sweat and looking generally disheveled, dropped into the seat beside him. Taking out a huge purple rag and wiping his face he said: "Big John mi bredda, mi know seh mi late an' mi stay a way, but a jus' so. Mi jump tree fence, fight off two guard dog, run lef 4 policeman, wrassle wid a security guard, crawl tru one tunnel, ketch ticks, tear mi pants, lose mi watch, miss half di match, and a tiad. But it worth it. Mi beat di gate!! Mi nuh pay come een!!" Looking at him sadly Big John said: "Mi bredda, mi hate fi tell yu dis, but di match free!!"
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
After watching the hit show "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" a man reaches to his wife, in bed for a intimate moment.
"Not tonight, I have a headache", she said He responds "are you sure?" "yes !" she replies
He asks "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes ! Yes ! Yes!" she says " that is my final answer ! "
After that , he clamly says " Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend
After watching the hit show "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" a man reaches to his wife, in bed for a intimate moment.
"Not tonight, I have a headache", she said He responds "are you sure?" "yes !" she replies
He asks "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes ! Yes ! Yes!" she says " that is my final answer ! "
After that , he clamly says " Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend
"Penis Tattoos" - Rated R
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy. After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack’s "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he’d bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say ‘WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.’"
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy. After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack’s "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he’d bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say ‘WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.’"
: Things You Will Never Hear A Jamaican Man Say
1. "No, wifey, tek my cyar instead."
2. "Waiter, this steak is overcooked."
3. "She 'ave a nice body ... but 'ar batty too big."
4. "Whaapen Mr. Deejay, yuh cyaah play some more calypso?"
5. "De pill doan gree wid me wife, so ah gweh get a vasectomy."
6. "No, Chooksie, ah cyaah tek anodda whites(rum), mi haffe drive all de way to Kingston, an' it wet and dark outside."
7. "Some ah mi closest bredren-dem gay, yu no se'et."
8. "Size doan matter."
9. "Yeah man, me nyam unda two foot table.
10. "Nuff respect to Brian Lara."
1. "No, wifey, tek my cyar instead."
2. "Waiter, this steak is overcooked."
3. "She 'ave a nice body ... but 'ar batty too big."
4. "Whaapen Mr. Deejay, yuh cyaah play some more calypso?"
5. "De pill doan gree wid me wife, so ah gweh get a vasectomy."
6. "No, Chooksie, ah cyaah tek anodda whites(rum), mi haffe drive all de way to Kingston, an' it wet and dark outside."
7. "Some ah mi closest bredren-dem gay, yu no se'et."
8. "Size doan matter."
9. "Yeah man, me nyam unda two foot table.
10. "Nuff respect to Brian Lara."
POOL PARTY
One day dis rich man was having a party at him yard. Him was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house pon di hills, drugs,girls, cars, planes; anything him wanted. Dis man was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and him fren dem, all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to de pool. Den him get up pon di lifegard tower and all him fren dem look up. Him call for silence and says
"OK, the first person fi swim cross mi pool will get all mi money." Nobody nuh move. Him look ova di crowd, draw pon him joint and says "OK, di first person fi swim cross mi pool gets all mi money and mi house." Still nobody nuh move.
"OK den, the first person fi swims across mi pool gets all mi money, mi house and all mi cars and planes." Still, nobody nuh move, not even a eye blink dis time.
"OK den, all mi money, mi house, all mi cars, all mi planes, all the dope yuh can handle, all mi property, all mi stocks and bonds and investments and all di girls yuh can handle; everyting mi own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but him roll ova like Tarzan, him all over di place, fighting and dodging. Finally him get outta di pool on the other side. Di rich man on di tower jumps down and runs over to him. "Hey man, dat was incredible! I neva thought that mi woulda ever see dat done.
Yuh want di money now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di money."
"Yuh want di house now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di house."
"Yuh want di cars and planes now or latah?"
"Ah don't wand the cars or di planes."
"Yuh want di bonds, stocks and stuff now or latah?"
"Ah don't want none ah dat."
"Yuh want di girls now or latah?" "Ah don't want di girls."
Di rich man look pon him and she "Woh what de hell yuh want?!?!"
"Ah want di rashole boombooclat who push me inna di pool."
One day dis rich man was having a party at him yard. Him was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house pon di hills, drugs,girls, cars, planes; anything him wanted. Dis man was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and him fren dem, all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to de pool. Den him get up pon di lifegard tower and all him fren dem look up. Him call for silence and says
"OK, the first person fi swim cross mi pool will get all mi money." Nobody nuh move. Him look ova di crowd, draw pon him joint and says "OK, di first person fi swim cross mi pool gets all mi money and mi house." Still nobody nuh move.
"OK den, the first person fi swims across mi pool gets all mi money, mi house and all mi cars and planes." Still, nobody nuh move, not even a eye blink dis time.
"OK den, all mi money, mi house, all mi cars, all mi planes, all the dope yuh can handle, all mi property, all mi stocks and bonds and investments and all di girls yuh can handle; everyting mi own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but him roll ova like Tarzan, him all over di place, fighting and dodging. Finally him get outta di pool on the other side. Di rich man on di tower jumps down and runs over to him. "Hey man, dat was incredible! I neva thought that mi woulda ever see dat done.
Yuh want di money now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di money."
"Yuh want di house now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di house."
"Yuh want di cars and planes now or latah?"
"Ah don't wand the cars or di planes."
"Yuh want di bonds, stocks and stuff now or latah?"
"Ah don't want none ah dat."
"Yuh want di girls now or latah?" "Ah don't want di girls."
Di rich man look pon him and she "Woh what de hell yuh want?!?!"
"Ah want di rashole boombooclat who push me inna di pool."
A Jamaican "country boy" and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially
by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slideback together again.
The boy asked, "Ah whahdat, daddy?" The father (having never seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, minevah see notting so inna mi life! Mi nuh know
what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally
the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 19-year-old woman
stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says
quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh moddah!"
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially
by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slideback together again.
The boy asked, "Ah whahdat, daddy?" The father (having never seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, minevah see notting so inna mi life! Mi nuh know
what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally
the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 19-year-old woman
stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says
quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh moddah!"
Letta from him woman a foreign
Why ya tek so long fren? Any chobble?
Lawd haw mercy; What a ting!!!
Cum Ya; de teacher a call ya! mi hab sinting fe tell ya-
Mi know likkle Patois. Mek me tell ya -
Mi sent ya e-mail ,
It finnish areddi- look pon dat now - Dat awrite ?
dun; check mi later
mi a go leff now
one love
Me
Why ya tek so long fren? Any chobble?
Lawd haw mercy; What a ting!!!
Cum Ya; de teacher a call ya! mi hab sinting fe tell ya-
Mi know likkle Patois. Mek me tell ya -
Mi sent ya e-mail ,
It finnish areddi- look pon dat now - Dat awrite ?
dun; check mi later
mi a go leff now
one love
Me
Friday, May 04, 2001
Ghetto Queen
A pregnant woman from Rema walked into a doctors office
to have an ultrasound. The doctor told her that she is going
to have a little girl. He then asked her what she will name
her daughter. She said, Kesheika. He asked her, Do you
have any other children? She said, Five other daughters,
and their names are also Kesheika. At that point the doctor
asked, How do you call them all home for dinner? She replied,
dat cool mi just bawl out, Kesheika, dinna ready and
they all come home. He then asked, What if your going
somewhere? She said, dat easy too, mi just call Kesheika
come nuh and they all come running. He questioned her again,
What if you only want to speak with one of them?
Well then mi just call dem by dem las name!
A pregnant woman from Rema walked into a doctors office
to have an ultrasound. The doctor told her that she is going
to have a little girl. He then asked her what she will name
her daughter. She said, Kesheika. He asked her, Do you
have any other children? She said, Five other daughters,
and their names are also Kesheika. At that point the doctor
asked, How do you call them all home for dinner? She replied,
dat cool mi just bawl out, Kesheika, dinna ready and
they all come home. He then asked, What if your going
somewhere? She said, dat easy too, mi just call Kesheika
come nuh and they all come running. He questioned her again,
What if you only want to speak with one of them?
Well then mi just call dem by dem las name!