dem Jamaicans!


Don't ramp with dem Jamaicans! St. Peter came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we didn't have
many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan
and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are
causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by
swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin
through the fence. They are constantly standing by the gate disturbing
Angel Gabriel begging for a "bly" for their baby modder, cousin,
sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie...Whenever it is their turn to
watch
the gates they keep letting in good looking women and fat women. They
have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white
robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold.
Some
are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".
Angels must have two wings to fly! ome of them have put chrome wings and are
dazzling the other
angels when they are flying. he white robes are eternal and must be
washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they
arrived because they didn't come to heaven do "day's work". Some have
refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven
clean because "dem ah no helper". Many who came here because they used salt
are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some refuse to
wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles.
Others are wearing their halos backways. Others are wearing their
halos with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white
halos and are wearing gold ones instead they claim these are "bashy"
Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing
white shorts and "batty riders" claiming that they have pretty skin and want
to show off their "bandylegs" Reggae music is blasted at all hours of
night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other resident s. Their
cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers.
Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who
claims he was only "checking out" Eve. They have planted marijuana in
the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming "man and man
haffi hustle". What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair
to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be
here
as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with
them;
maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone
who
has more experience edaling with them. Let's call the Devil." The
Devil
answered the phone and said,"Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The
Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you
about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on
hold."The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and
said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would
like
to talk to you
about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and
put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes.
Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said,"Lord, I am really
sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn
Jamaicans down here..... Yesterday they had air conditioning put in.
Now they have just put out Hell's Fire, saying "man come to Hell fe 'chill'

Jamaican Directions


I was trying to find a dressmaker, and asked someone on the street
for directions. This is what she told me:
Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty
stand on Bruk-Down carner.
Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady wha mek de high culcha frock
dem.
Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf a likkle fry fish shop further
>down),
>and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop.
> Is fi him girlfren niece who know de adress of the guy wha live near to

>de
>chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike.
> After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid

>de
>four bad mongrel Dawg dem. (Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey).
>Knock pon de winda five time and Miss Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two
>stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem cum back).
> Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike. Him is a
>nice
>bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe.
>But hole on tight cause him young and him drive fas'. Him don't haf him
>licence yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike.
>Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and
>mine
>yu no bruk yu foot, den tun lef', and yu see de shop.
>It easy; yu caan-n-n-n miss it."

Subject: Looking for the right Jamaican



A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of
Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon a old
empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. She talked with him
awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her
ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she
would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.

The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a
story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WISH Genie. So... what'll
it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these
countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all
the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa.

It will bring about world peace and harmony. " The Genie
looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd Lady, A wah
wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred
years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it
can be done. " PLEASE make another wish and please
a beg yu... Be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've
never been able to find the right Jamaican man...
You know, one that DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the
cooking & house--cleaning, is great in bed and gets
along FAITHFUL and loves to worship.That's what I
wish for... a good Jamaican man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that freakin' map again."