Secret
Grandma went into Victoria 's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy
new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice
bright red crotch less panties. Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa
to come home. When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the
bed and pointed down to the new crotch less panties she had on. She said:
"Come on grandpa, you want some of this?" Grandpa said "He** no, it
done ate a hole in your drawers!
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Three Jamaican sons
Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to
their elderly mother:
The first son said, "Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama."
The second son said, "Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver"
The third smiled and said, "Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to
love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a
Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15
years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di
verse, an di parrot wi recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh.
Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a
clean di whole house."
"Winston," she wrote to another, "Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi
travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im
too dyam facey!"
"Dearest Delroy," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense fi
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to
their elderly mother:
The first son said, "Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama."
The second son said, "Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver"
The third smiled and said, "Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to
love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a
Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15
years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di
verse, an di parrot wi recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh.
Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a
clean di whole house."
"Winston," she wrote to another, "Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi
travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im
too dyam facey!"
"Dearest Delroy," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense fi
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Monday, August 07, 2006
Lost in Africa
A Jamaican man and American man got lost in the jungle of Africa. A Tribe of bushmen got hold of them and gave them two choices, Unga Munga or death. The American chose Unga Munga. After realising that unga munga was a homosexual act the Jamaican shouted death, death, death, give me death. The chief then shouted - Death by Unga Munga
A Jamaican man and American man got lost in the jungle of Africa. A Tribe of bushmen got hold of them and gave them two choices, Unga Munga or death. The American chose Unga Munga. After realising that unga munga was a homosexual act the Jamaican shouted death, death, death, give me death. The chief then shouted - Death by Unga Munga
Aliens In Jamaica
There was this couple sitting on the porch in Westmoreland, Jamaica watching the sun go down. All of a sudden this shooting light went across the sunset.
Wife: “A wha dat?”
Husband: “A mus’ one space ship.”
Wife: “Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!”
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.
Alien Male: “Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed?” The husband’s eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.
Husband: “Come een, come een. Of course you can come an’ res’ yuhself.”
So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.
Male Alien: “Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests.” Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.
Husband: “Well, dats alright with me.”
Wife: “Oh, I don’t know, because I don’t really believe in dat kind of t’ing.”
Husband: “Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know.”
Wife: “Well, OK then.”
The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasn’t 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, “would you like a bit more length?”
Wife: “Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?”
So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, “would you like a bit more width?”
Wife: “Width! Well, OK then.”
So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter. The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.
Wife: “Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?”
Husband: “Stuups ….. No! All night long di damn woman just deh a twis up, twis up mi rass ears dem”.
There was this couple sitting on the porch in Westmoreland, Jamaica watching the sun go down. All of a sudden this shooting light went across the sunset.
Wife: “A wha dat?”
Husband: “A mus’ one space ship.”
Wife: “Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!”
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.
Alien Male: “Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed?” The husband’s eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.
Husband: “Come een, come een. Of course you can come an’ res’ yuhself.”
So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.
Male Alien: “Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests.” Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.
Husband: “Well, dats alright with me.”
Wife: “Oh, I don’t know, because I don’t really believe in dat kind of t’ing.”
Husband: “Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know.”
Wife: “Well, OK then.”
The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasn’t 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, “would you like a bit more length?”
Wife: “Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?”
So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, “would you like a bit more width?”
Wife: “Width! Well, OK then.”
So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter. The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.
Wife: “Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?”
Husband: “Stuups ….. No! All night long di damn woman just deh a twis up, twis up mi rass ears dem”.
Restaurant Pickup
A jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads…
“For me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers.”
After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads…
“jus su yuh know…me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants…suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!”
A jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads…
“For me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers.”
After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads…
“jus su yuh know…me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants…suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!”
Rastaman Divorce Hearing
A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, “Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in the matter?” The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, ‘I and I’ or the machine’s?
A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, “Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in the matter?” The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, ‘I and I’ or the machine’s?
THE JAMAICAN HELL
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that
there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks “What do
they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an
electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a
bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he
moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the
Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they
are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Jamaican hell and finds that
there is a very long line of people waiting to get
in. Amazed he asks “What do they do here?” He is told
“First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Jamaican devil comes in and whips you for
the rest of the day.”
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells
- why are there so many people waiting to get in?” he
asked. “Because there is never any electricity
therefore the electric chair does not work, someone
tief all the nails so there’s none to lay you on, and
the devil used to work for government so he comes in,
signs the attendance register and then goes back
home..
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that
there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks “What do
they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an
electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a
bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he
moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the
Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they
are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Jamaican hell and finds that
there is a very long line of people waiting to get
in. Amazed he asks “What do they do here?” He is told
“First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Jamaican devil comes in and whips you for
the rest of the day.”
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells
- why are there so many people waiting to get in?” he
asked. “Because there is never any electricity
therefore the electric chair does not work, someone
tief all the nails so there’s none to lay you on, and
the devil used to work for government so he comes in,
signs the attendance register and then goes back
home..
New Truck
One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Shabba, where’d you get that truck?!?”
“Wendy gave it to me” Shabba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Shabba, take whatever you want’.
So I took the truck!”
“Shabba, you’re a smart man!”
“Them clothes woulda never fit you!”
One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Shabba, where’d you get that truck?!?”
“Wendy gave it to me” Shabba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Shabba, take whatever you want’.
So I took the truck!”
“Shabba, you’re a smart man!”
“Them clothes woulda never fit you!”
Ginnal Job Application
My Brethren, Ginnal, applied for an engineering position at a Kingston based firm. A Trini Engineer applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the manager went to Ginnal and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the man from Trinidad the
job.”
Ginnal asked, “Suh why yu do dat? Boat a wi get nine questions rite. Dis is Jumaika,and me is Jumaikan, A me shudda get de wuk!”
The manager said, “We have made our decision, not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you both missed.”
Ginnal asked, “An how in the name of Jesus yu decide sey one wrong answer betta dan de adda ?”
The manager replied, “Simple. The Trini boy put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ and you put down, ‘Me nuh know eda.’”
My Brethren, Ginnal, applied for an engineering position at a Kingston based firm. A Trini Engineer applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the manager went to Ginnal and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the man from Trinidad the
job.”
Ginnal asked, “Suh why yu do dat? Boat a wi get nine questions rite. Dis is Jumaika,and me is Jumaikan, A me shudda get de wuk!”
The manager said, “We have made our decision, not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you both missed.”
Ginnal asked, “An how in the name of Jesus yu decide sey one wrong answer betta dan de adda ?”
The manager replied, “Simple. The Trini boy put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ and you put down, ‘Me nuh know eda.’”
The Train Ride
Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference.
At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an American.
“Watch the ride my yute!” answers a Jamaican.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans
don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed American.
“Watch the ride my yute!!” says a Jamaican.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please”.
Jamaican Version of the 23 Psalms
The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt’n.
Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.
Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun’ mi.
Ah Him ah remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teet.
Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.
Ah Him ah ‘top mi from mad a daytime, an’ ah guide mi decision dem so mi can honor Him inna hev’ryting.
Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an’ tun’ all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy, so mi no haffi go ah prison an’ live ‘mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.
Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an’ ah howl body dat kyaan’ mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!
Him presence, Him peace, an’ Him power ah go si mi through.
Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hard working self, though mi have three set a degree an’ diploma.
Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi an’ me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an’ bun di whole place ah grung.
Fi Him faithfulness an’ love betta dan any bonus check, but yu si mi, a check woulda help out some time.
Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha ‘appen out yah tiday: Suhmaddy bettah run to hell!
When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time.
So Tank Yuh Lord
The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt’n.
Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.
Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun’ mi.
Ah Him ah remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teet.
Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.
Ah Him ah ‘top mi from mad a daytime, an’ ah guide mi decision dem so mi can honor Him inna hev’ryting.
Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an’ tun’ all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy, so mi no haffi go ah prison an’ live ‘mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.
Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an’ ah howl body dat kyaan’ mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!
Him presence, Him peace, an’ Him power ah go si mi through.
Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hard working self, though mi have three set a degree an’ diploma.
Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi an’ me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an’ bun di whole place ah grung.
Fi Him faithfulness an’ love betta dan any bonus check, but yu si mi, a check woulda help out some time.
Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha ‘appen out yah tiday: Suhmaddy bettah run to hell!
When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time.
So Tank Yuh Lord
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy’s homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac’s, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullshit, that watch israel”…..
9. Undermine - There’s a fine lookin’ ho who live in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle, iraq, you break.
12. Stain - My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, “You plan on stain for dinner?”
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she say “fortify.”
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac’s, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol’ me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, “man, it look fake.” He say, “Bullshit, that watch israel”…..
9. Undermine - There’s a fine lookin’ ho who live in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol’ my uncle, iraq, you break.
12. Stain - My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, “You plan on stain for dinner?”
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, “how much?” she say “fortify.”
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
Jamaican Breakup Letter
A Jamaican Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “break up”
letter from his Jamaican girlfriend back in Kingston. It read as
follows:
Dear Leroy,
I caant continue dis relationship dred. De distance between us just too
much man. I hav tu admit dat i cheat on yu twice since yu gon, and it
jus not fair tu eeder ah us. i dead sorry. Yu think yu cuud return de
picture of me dat i did send yu wen yu fus go ah iraq?????
Love,
Mildred
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of
Mildred, Leroy included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he
had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…
along with this note:
Dear Mildred,
I man real sorry, but i cant even remember who u is baby. But please pic
out yu picha from dis ya pile and den sen de rest back tu mi…. jus in
case dese other gals ask fi dem pichas back tu seen.
Tanks sweet girl!
A Jamaican Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “break up”
letter from his Jamaican girlfriend back in Kingston. It read as
follows:
Dear Leroy,
I caant continue dis relationship dred. De distance between us just too
much man. I hav tu admit dat i cheat on yu twice since yu gon, and it
jus not fair tu eeder ah us. i dead sorry. Yu think yu cuud return de
picture of me dat i did send yu wen yu fus go ah iraq?????
Love,
Mildred
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of
Mildred, Leroy included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he
had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…
along with this note:
Dear Mildred,
I man real sorry, but i cant even remember who u is baby. But please pic
out yu picha from dis ya pile and den sen de rest back tu mi…. jus in
case dese other gals ask fi dem pichas back tu seen.
Tanks sweet girl!